I thought I was doing so much better this week. The physical part of the m/c was over, and I truly felt on the road to healing. But today, I just want to shut myself away and cry for a good, long time. I haven't wanted to talk to too many of my friends, and I even feel bad sharing how sad I feel with DH because I know he's been doing a lot better than I have. I feel like my gloomy mood could infect other people, and I don't want to do that to them. They have a right to be happy in life right now - they are enjoying new jobs, happy with their family, planning big trips, even expecting perfectly healthy babies... but no one else is going through a similar hard time in their life. So many have told me that I really sound like I'm doing good, and sometimes I truly am, but the other times it just feels like an act. And I don't want to tell them how terrible I'm doing when they all seem like they're ready for me to be the cheery, upbeat person I was a month ago. I feel like everyone is ready to put this behind them, even DH, and like I'll be pulling them down to even mention it. I feel so self-centered wanting others to comfort me right now, even you ladies since several of you are going through the same thing right now. I guess I don't really have any questions to ask, since I know the time length of when this drowning feeling starts to subside varies from woman to woman...but I just wanted to type this all out since it would help me sort through things some more. Thanks for listening...
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dx 5/5/05
BFP 7/19/05....missed m/c 9/05
BFP (clomid 50mg + trigger + IUI) - 4/30/06!
Twin boys born @ 33wks... 29 days in the NICU
BFP (clomid 25mg + trigger + IUI) - 12/19/08!
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Last edited by Mustard Seed; 09-30-2005 at 05:59 PM.
I understand its an emotional rollercoster. I m/c my last at the beginning of Sept. And even now I still go through the ups and downs. I see baby commericials or shows with pg people on them and wonder why or start to think how big I would be if I was still pg with my first or second. Its hard. Especially when noone else you know has gone through it. They all try to be positive for you and keep your spirits up, but sometimes I just want someone to be "its ok to cry, you are mourning and your child deserves that... let it all out... Ill listen"... but no one outside of here does. My DH is better at ignoring things, well thats what I call it when he doesnt express his feelings. He doesnt like to either, says he knows it would just upset me more. Sometimes thats ok, other times I need to know what he feels. Its just a matter of asking him I guess.
It does get better, and hope comes back into your life. Everyday you survive this is another day you live. You just have to find a way to live everyday as best as you can. Im here for you, as Im sure others on SC are too. PM me or IM me on AOL or Yahoo. Ill be glad to talk. {{HUGS}}
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11/11/09 m/c. We lost another one!! DAMN IT! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
November 2009: Trying one last cycle on Tamoxifen before we throw the towel in.
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"I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted me what I asked of him." I Samuel 1:27
Alenna, I know how you feel. My physical part is not yet over. I took the week off from work. I teach and just thought that it would be too much. People have been calling, but I usually just let the phone ring. The women on here have been a great source of support and my husband has as well. I try to remain steady when he's around. I try to ignore the pregnant people on tv and things like that. I just think that it's going to take some time for us to feel better. And so what if it does. Take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. Hang in there!
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I feel like my gloomy mood could infect other people, and I don't want to do that to them. They have a right to be happy in life right now - they are enjoying new jobs, happy with their family, planning big trips, even expecting perfectly healthy babies... but no one else is going through a similar hard time in their life. So many have told me that I really sound like I'm doing good, and sometimes I really am, but the other times it really feels like an act. And I don't want to tell them how terrible I'm doing when they all seem like they're ready for me to be the cheery, upbeat person I was a month ago. I feel like everyone is ready to put this behind them, even DH, and like I'll be pulling them down to even mention it. I feel so self-centered wanting others to comfort me right now, even you ladies since several of you are going through the same thing right now.
Man you just said everything I've been feeling for months now. Everyone around me has totaly seemed to have forgotten about our baby. I try to act happy and stuff but then it eats me alive and turn into a total Bytch to my DH and he has no clue what is going on... UGH! If only.... Well sorry back to OP I know how you feel I'm right in the same boat! If ever need to talk feel free to PM or or email me jess4houston "at" verizon.net
Alenna, I think all of us could have written your post at one point or another What you are going through is so universal. The process seems painfully slow sometimes, but you will make progress. You won't be able to tell, day-to-day, but in several months when you look on this post, you will be able to see a difference in yourself. I know that when I look at my blog from 9 months ago, I have come a long long way. But sometimes it felt like I was making no progress at all.
It's two steps forward, one step back... and occassionally, you will have hard times when you take 5 steps back. But you will still be 20 steps ahead of where you started. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there. It does get easier.
Hugs,
Adrianne
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I was going to write a novel about this but everyone has already written everything I wanted to write! We all think alike!
All I know is, I don't know if this sadness completely goes away. It haunts me when I least expect it. It visits me when I'm utterly high on happiness.
((hugs to everyone))
__________________ enits
Noelle - my little baby, was only with us for 17 weeks and 5 days, February 7, 2005
2nd loss - my little angel, could only stay with us for a little while, 8 weeks, August 3, 2005
Hoping to remain positive, always...
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I have had 5 miscarriages and a stillborn son at 37 weeks and I gotta say, it doesn't go away. Time heals, but you never forget. Of course, you don't want to forget these babies and it hurts that it feels like you are the only one who remembers them, but it will get easier.
It is going on 4 years since I lost my son and just yesterday, I cried and cried because I missed him. After all this time, I still have my days where the hurt feels so fresh.
Everyone else has given you some wonderful advice. You are definitely not alone. *hugs*
Sweetie, it never really goes away. You'll miss your baby forever. But I promise that one day, you'll notice it hurts a little less. Gradually, you will feel better. But the pain will always be there - kind of an empty spot in your heart.
sorry about the ups and downs! i agree with all of these moms. your grief will never end but become more bearable over time. i hope you have a good weekend. ((hugs))
Don't feel guilty for feeling down. It is a grieving process and the pain never 100% goes away. I've lost two babies, and to this day still wonder what they would've looked like, who they would've grown into. One sister of mine -- we were pregnant and due within days of each other. I still look at my 6 year old nephew and think, "....my child would be that age, starting school, doing this and that..."
We all understand what you're going through, and are hear for you to lean on. It becomes a part of you, a part of your heart, and in time the pain DOES subside. You learn to live with it and happiness -- true happiness that doesn't feel like an "act" or going through the motions will be yours, and everyone else's, again. It just takes time. For some people, more time than others.
I am so glad you posted this because I was thinking the same way. I thought I was ok ,but lately I feel like I'm moving backwards . everytime I see a pregnant woman , I start to tear up and have to leave , or everytime I see a little baby, I think about how old my baby would be or how many months pregnant I would be .Everyone says we are an inspiration because we are trying to move on , but if they see me in private,they would think differently . This is a great place to come to because no one else knows how we feel . It's nice to have someone who will listen and truly know how you feel .
Karen
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Two years after my last m/c I thought "Okay... I'm alright now..." when a friend invited me to a baby shower. I bought a gift and was fine shopping for a baby, and was excited to go. Me and another friend were driving together, and when she came to pick me up I had a panic attack. I couldn't do it. I started freaking out like it had just happened all over again and knew, KNEW I could not, COULD NOT sit there while everyone fluttered around her belly and oohed and aahed over gifts and everything.
You just don't know when it will hit you again, but the important thing to remember is that it's normal, it's okay. It's just like when a loved-one dies. My Aunt has been gone since 1999 and just recently I missed her so bad I cried over old family pictures. Grief is grief in every form.
Even now, being pregnant with my second son, I STILL miss my two angels. My Mom had SEVEN kids but lost three and to this day she still talks about the ones she lost. One of them was a son, she knew for sure because he was stillborn and she got to see him. She talks about him all the time --well not ALL the time -- but she brings him up to me once in a while, wondering what he'd be like. He would've been a little more than a year older than me.
I have friends who've lost babies who never talk about them, act like it was "nature's way" and "better than having something wrong with a baby...." I take some offense to that because my first son was born with a birth defect (it's fixable) and I know I'd rather have him than have had "nature select him out" the way people say sometime when they can't think of anything else to say.
Let yourselves grieve, feel what you need to. To put it bluntly, screw the rest of the world if they don't "get it".
The process seems painfully slow sometimes, but you will make progress. You won't be able to tell, day-to-day, but in several months when you look on this post, you will be able to see a difference in yourself.
This is SO true.
It took me 3 months to really get back to "normal" after my first loss. DH and I even went to Vegas on vacation to try to "cheer me up" and we'd be in the middle of the casinos or eating and I'd just suddenly get gloomy. I was sad and also angry because we couldn't TTC due to an MMR shot. Once we were able to TTC again it helped somewhat, because I felt more in control of things. Then we were very lucky and got # 2 the first month we could try again, and we lost # 2 right away, right after New Year's, but at that point my grief turned to anger, which was easier for me to deal with. After loss # 3 in early March, I was sad and angry but ready to "stop messing around" and move forward to the next step, which for us was RPL testing.
I'm still sad all the time, though. Today we went to "A Walk to Remember", which is a walk sponsored by the National SHARE Office ( www.nationalshareoffice.com) , a group dedicated to helping with pregnancy and infant loss. George Canyon performed "My Name" (a song written from the perspective of an infant that passes in utero) and I cried during the song; had to keep facing forward so my friends and parents wouldn't see. (Luckily we were standing in front of them so I don't think they saw.) Just when I think I'm done crying it happens again.
There is no set procedure to grieve, everyone has their own timetable and their own ways, and they are all OK. Give yourself whatever you need; we are all here any time.
I had a m/c on July 26th, and I will tell you it is still hard and it will get easier but it will always hurt. You just have to feel how you fell and take care ofyourself, because you are most important right now. ANd I am sure your dh is feeling sad still he just wants to be strong for you.
when does it go away? 
What you are going through is so universal. The process seems painfully slow sometimes, but you will make progress. You won't be able to tell, day-to-day, but in several months when you look on this post, you will be able to see a difference in yourself. I know that when I look at my blog from 9 months ago, I have come a long long way. But sometimes it felt like I was making no progress at all.
