when does grieving cross the line to depression.

cysterls · 04-09-2005, 11:54 AM

Hi cysters;

I know I have posted a lot in the last little while and have probably made a real pain of myself. It has been a horrible week and I can hardly believe just over a week ago I was oblivious to the fact my little girl had already left me.

I was wondering how you know when the pain is too bad. I am having so much trouble coping, I don't want to get up or deal with anything. People say it's ok, it's normal. Well that doesn't help me cope and neither does talking. I have two young children and my husband has to return to work on Monday. I have no energy and no concentration at all, I don't think I can do it and I have NOBODY to help. I don't know anyone here. Nobody seems to understand, they say I will get through it but that still doesn't tell me how to get through it.

Any suggestions would help. I just don't know if this is turning into depression on top of grieving and I really need help.

cysterls
In my heart, not in my arms, your life was short, your memory not.
I love you now, I loved you then, forever and ever till we meet again.

Sugawallz910 · 04-09-2005, 12:18 PM

I lost my child thursday night. The people that i thought would have gotten me through this were not there for me(my parents). This site and my son were there. My son while only 4 has played a big role in my recovery and of course the other cysters here have been there also. Some have stay up all night and talk to me online, some gave me the encouragement that all is not lost, gave me the strenght to grieve then get back up and fight this thing. It will be hard for me because mothers day is coming up, but i think the biggest gift i could get would be a BFP again. So yes grieving is good, lean on your family and lean on us :p , we really know your pain. Your 2 young kids should keep you very active help get your emotions back. I learn to go outside with my son, i just enrolled him in soccer, we went to the park today and even being in pain i went with him to the park, i felt like i needed that kind of meds, just to see him happy and smiling and not seeing mommy crying everyday,gave me a boost, i save that for night time when i'm alone and he cant hear me. but i find myself getting better everyday because i know thats one day closer to me seeing that BFP again.

packerfan · 04-09-2005, 04:12 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would give yourself maybe 2-3 weeks and if you are not feeling any better at all, call your doctor. I know when I gave birth to DS I had the "baby blues" for almost 3 weeks. From what I remember, it comes from the hormone shift we get after having a baby, a m/c or loss probably is no different, much less the fact the sadness that comes with losing a child.

I'm not a big medicine pusher, however you have a family that needs you and if meds will help out temporarily, go for it, plus it's not much fun being so sad you can't function.

(((HUGS))) hope you are feeling better soon.

Kim

SheriKCMO · 04-09-2005, 08:38 PM

I agree with Kim that after a little spell, you should see a doctor to find out if medicine could bring you out of this intense low. It is normal to a degree, and we are all different, but we do have to go on functioning to some extent. Don't beat yourself up, just think of it as treating a migrane or a arthritis... there's nothing to be ashamed of, we just need meds sometimes.
I hope that you are able to find some strength to get through the daytimes and let your husband take over for the evenings. Grief is exhausting, and you need your rest. He's grieving too, but guys are different and don't seem to get so tired.

How far along were you with Bella? I don't think I've heard your full story, and sometimes it helps to share here. Getting thoughts into writing helped me in those early days.
Loads of Hugs,
Sheri

VivC · 04-09-2005, 09:11 PM

I'm sorry. And trust us, it is TOTALLY normal to be depressed right now. I agree you should give yourself a few weeks to adjust. If, at that point, you still can't function, see your doctor. Medication is sometimes necessary. I wish I'd gotten a prescription myself. I stayed in bed for two months, only getting up long enough to come here and cry on shoulders.

I don't have other children, so I don't know what to tell you about caring for your older kids right now. I am thinking of you, and if you need anything at all, please PM me.

cysterls · 04-09-2005, 09:22 PM

As for medications I can't say I really like that option, not that I think it is shameful but I have had occasion to be on them in the past and I went through many, with varying degrees of bad reactions until I found one that helped enough but kept me in a fog for most of the day (not feasable with 2 kids) as for my husband helping he really is doing it all right now and i am still exhausted. I could not imagine watching the kids even for just an hour.

sheriKCMO;
I was 19 weeks 3 days when I was induced, however I am not sure of the exact day that my baby passed.(around 18 weeks) I had an ultrasound on March 21rst and was told that the baby was not co-operating so please rebook. My nurse practioner was out of the country so I went ahead and rebooked for a week later. Same thing happened did a full ultrasound and was told to rebook again because the baby was being shy. By this time I knew something was wrong so I begged the technitian to tell me anything and she said no. My nurse practioner was still out of the country and their was NO ONE to get the report, so I went to the receptionist and begged her to help me, she called a walk-in-clinic and they agreed to take the fax to put my mind at ease. My husband and I drove to the walk-in-clinic oblivious to the bad news we were about to recieve. The doctor came in and said the baby was no longer viable.............infact she was not viable as of the first ultrasound the week before. I was floored. How could they let me walk around for over a week with a dead baby in my tummy? I came home for the night and was induced the next day. I gave birth to a perfect little girl in everyway except the cord was wrapped around her neck five times. The worse thing is I never got an ultrasound picture and I had three ultrasounds (one which she was very much alive at just over 12 weeks) I asked at each ultrasound but was told NO. I am so devistated and so tierd. On top of this we are waiting for the results of my five year olds Autism assesment. We have to wait until the 28th for any news and I am not copping well with that either.

I hope you don't mind me sharing. I have decided to call my Nurse Practioner first thing Monday in the hopes of getting some sort of help besides medication.

thanks again cysterls

kwannabee · 04-09-2005, 11:57 PM

This is so hard...but really its such a good question.

I know for me i spent a good 6 weeks in my pyjamas...on the couch...pretty much a zombie. I cared for my 4yr old to the bare minimum...and just spent the rest of the time listening to voices in my head...the ones that told me it was my fault...i did something wrong...i should have done it better...why didnt i...why DID i...on and on and on...til my dh came home one day and made me get dressed and just get out of the house. So i drove to walmart and stared at the preg tests and hemmeroid cremes in the pharmacy aisle and had a complete breakdown in the middle of the store...

i think the numbness and shock is a protective thing you have no control over...your brain just does it...and then when it starts to wear off...thats when things get really hard. I never thought to take any meds...it just never occured to me, but eventually life just got in the way of my misery...my son needed a peanut butter sandwich...the job was demanding decisions...the dog needed the vet...whatever it was...i just ended up doing it...and eventually it just became normal again.

i think time is your best friend, but having support was the key for me...of any kind...talking to people...letting all your emotions out and just letting it all go, no guilt. That includes letting yourself laugh again without guilt, being happy about something without telling yourself not to...enjoying something with your children just for their sake...

I think you have to notice the mental voices changing...to stop blaming yourself and coming to accept your baby is okay where she is...even though she's not with you. Acceptance i guess. Its a process to get there...if you get stuck then thats when you have to worry i suppose...you just have to trust your instincts and allow yourself to go through the grieving process. And talk to dh...let him know what youre feeling and let him watch over you too...and at the very least mention it to your doctor.

Oh well, what do i know anyway...i still work on it every day...probably always will. Just wishing you peace and hope you find the comfort you need...lotsa hugs.

K9Queen · 04-10-2005, 03:55 AM

I have to say Kim seems to have explained it best. It is still brand new for you. Eventually the shock and numbness don't really wear off IMO, Life just gets in the way of the pain and greiving. I am thankful for the shock and numbness at first. It helped me get through Sarah's funeral and the days that followed. I eventally went back to work about a month later. Life again got in the way, needed to pay our bills. Honestly I still have not stopped the voices of blame/shame. They are consistantly there. I did not actively seek medical help (my mom did however about 3 months afterwards, but I really didnt follow through) until I was hospitalized with suicidal ideation and major depression (clinical diagnosises). I still see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I took myself off of my medications becuase I am pregnant. I can tell you it is extremely difficult and I am starting to see my psychiatrist is right and I really should not be off of my medication. I have agreed to restart something new and proven safe during pregnancy (only two are: Prozac and Celexa) when I start the second trimester. Right now I struggle with Major depression (every day) and suicidal thoughts (once every week or so). Don't mess around with your brain. If you are depressed, don't turn down the drugs. Now that I have been off of them I see what a tremendous help they were. Saying that, Grieving has no time table. However I am told there is healthy grieving and unhealthy grieving. Unhealthy is basically, in my understanding, the crossing of the line to depression. I have a book at home that my therapist gave me to read. I will try to remember to post what it said when I get home.
Take care cysterls

cysterls · 04-10-2005, 11:14 AM

Thank you all for your advice. I am feeling extremely bad today. DH goes back to work tommorow and I just don't think I can cope. I do not have the energy to take care of the kids. People say you just find a way but I am being honest when I say I can't, I can hardly get up. Medication won't help because pills won't take care of my kids or deal with the people who are taking their sweet lovable time diagnosing my son.(they refuse to give me any information before the 28th) I worry for his future and no pill will take that away. I am the only one who understands him. I will call the doctor tommorow morning and hope she can help me or has any suggestions.

thank you again
cysterls

Sugawallz910 · 04-10-2005, 12:26 PM

If you dont mind me asking what is going on with your son. My son is 4 years old and he has ADHD, Autism,and Speech Delay. thought maybe you would like to talk.

saluki_fan · 04-10-2005, 12:30 PM

Cysterls,

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. The hormones coursing through your system must be part of the issue. When I m/c'd, my HCG was at 33,000 and boy, was that a wild and horrible roller coaster ride getting those out of my system. And yours must have been much higher than that, based on how far along you were. It's good that you will call your doctor soon. Please update us after speaking with him or her.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

acrowe · 04-10-2005, 12:59 PM

I cannot imagine the unbelievable pain you must feel. I don't even know if I should be giving advice, but I feel I need to tell you this. Do not be afraid to ask for help-this is the most emotional time I believe anyone could go through. Do not be afraid to get medication if it helps you through the day. You will never get over this but you shouldn't have to feel totally out of control and crying all day.
Situational depression is STILL depression. I know when my grandma lost her son (at 18), she went on as normal and buried everything inside her. It still haunts her and every Christmas is sad for her (his birthday). It has been at least 40 years. I feel she should have definitely gotten help and she would be better able to cope.
Xanax (or clonopin) in a very small amount could help keep your emotions under control, but be sure and only use it when necessary because crying and grieving are normal.
Such big hugs to you!

Tetley · 04-11-2005, 12:00 PM

I am so so sorry.

Grief goes through all kinds of stages, and the emotions can happen in no particular order. It really is a roller coaster ride. I have a leaflet somewhere about grieving - I'll root it out and post again - at the time it helped me. There are all kinds of depression. I agree with the others, wait a while then see the doc. There are all kinds of anti-depressants too, I was on ones to help re-establish a sleep pattern because my lack of sleep was bringing me down still further. They were easy to come off. Not anything like the anti-depressants I'd been on before. Talk through the options with your doc.

What I would get asap is a good counsellor/therapy group. Gain that support. Soak up support from wherever you can. It might not come from the places you expect.
It is hugely comforting to speak with people who have been through similar experiences.

Please don't feel that there is a limit on the number of posts you can make. There is a lot of support here and it's not rationed.

I was also induced at 19 weeks - a year ago on April 23rd. It never occured to me that there might be a problem. It was the most agonising, traumatic time. 11 hour labour and knowing what would be at the end of it all. No one prepared me for the hormonal upheaval being induced at that stage would cause. & I was allergic to the drugs they gave me to induce. Miserable. Although I didn't have other children to look after - I did have to cope with my partner's desertion and my landlady wanting to evict me - and as she was a colleague - having to work with the cow. I got through somehow. I took each day as it came. There was just toooooo much to cope with and some of it just had to wait.

Again, I'm really sorry. PM me if you would like.

Love and hugs from the UK

Steph x

Sugawallz910 · 04-11-2005, 12:09 PM

Cysterls,
I just wanted to see if you were stil there, have not heard from you in while. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you are alright.

cysterls · 04-11-2005, 12:14 PM

I talked to the Nurse Practioners secretary this morning but she can't get me in until Wednesday. Not sure what to do now.

cysterls