when sig. other has lower sex drive..how do you deal????????????????????

prunepie · 01-05-2004, 01:33 AM

hi everyone... i have a question...how do you emotionally deal if your sig other/hubby/boyfriend has a lower sex drive than you???

how do you not feel rejected?? how do you not question that although they love you..maybe its because you are heavy/or unattractive???

ughsssssss when bf turns me down bc he isnt in the mood..sometimes i am okay with it , but most of the time i feel like crapola...and take it out on him..crying and asking a zillion questions until he loses it and gets angry..saying come on... sometimes i am just not in the mood!!!!!

its soo hard to understand how a man can have a lower sex drive than a woman..even though i know it happens..

but to my cysters...how do you deal and not take it personally??? xoxo jenn

*Ellie* · 01-05-2004, 03:55 AM

Prunepie, I totally know what you are going through. When my DH and I first got married I was always wanting sex and sometimes he was in the mood and sometimes he wasn't. It really did hurt my feelings when he didn't want to have sex (I thought men always wanted sex???)... I was always thinking in the back of my mind that it was because of my body... I wasn't beautiful enough, not thin enough, not sexy enough... not woman enough!!! He tried to reassure me, but I had such heavy doubts that we had a rocky start and sometimes I wonder how we made it through that first year. We never fought, I just constantly felt bad and was really depressed about it. It was really hard on him, too, but I didn't recognize that part of it at the time.

In July I started taking Glucophage and my sex drive really dropped. My last bloodtest showed that my testosterone levels were normal (on the low side of normal even)!!! Now I am the one who is never in the mood and he is the one who is always wanting it. I am frustrated that we can't seem to find a balance! But now I know how he was feeling! And it's not that I don't find him attractive, it's not that I don't love him like crazy, it's that I'm not in the mood!!! Now that I'm on this side of the fence I totally understand that his lack of desire had nothing to do with his not wanting me EVERY SINGLE TIME I wanted him.

I just wanted to tell you my experience and suggest that maybe it really *is* just that he's not in the mood and it has nothing to do with you. (((((HUGS))))) to you, cyster! Treasure the moments when you are both in sync and blow off the times when you're not... good luck!

JennieM2174 · 01-05-2004, 09:28 AM

I understand how you feel. My sex drive is at an all time high when AF isn't visiting. My DH's drive died about 4 years ago. When he falls asleep instead of us getting together it's difficult to deal with. The questions of size, beauty and inadequacy really nag at me. I'm finally learning to take him at his word that it really is because he's just tired and not me. It's very hard for me, but I have all the years to look back on and see that at any weight he loved me just as I was.

I'm not much help, but I do understand.

snowbunny · 01-05-2004, 08:27 PM

Last year DBF and I were having those same problems, mostly because we were working opposite schedules. I remember that at one point I felt so frustrated I yelled, "It's not a f****** chore!":o

And I remember feeling ugly, 'not woman enough' etc etc, and I remember how horrible it felt.

Originally by JennieM2174

Quote:

I'm finally learning to take him at his word that it really is because he's just tired and not me. It's very hard for me, but I have all the years to look back on and see that at any weight he loved me just as I was.

I finally learned that too. Now, I take him at his word - he's not in the mood. And I don't add the ending that I always used to "you're too [any self-deprecating adjective]." I finally realized that it had nothing to do with me, which has really helped us both out in the long run.

prunepie · 01-05-2004, 10:28 PM

thank you thank you for not letting me feel like i am the only one!!!!

okay now maybe i am a baby.... but when dbf finally gets in teh mood sometimes i turn him down just to spite him...now i am not doing this consciously..but when i really think about it i go...well i am not going to do it whenever he wants to just because..he turned me down..now suffer!!!

ughs..my mind gets so twisted..have any of you ever felt that way?? xoxo jenn