Where did THIS come from?

barneyb · 07-06-2005, 09:41 AM

Things were going well, although busy. I got my financial aid to go back to school for the second degree I've been wanting and I've been pretty relaxed about being off for the summer (although maybe a little worried about money). There may be some stress about starting summer school today too, but nothing beyond the normal taking on something new stress. So I've really been feeling pretty good. Then, out of the blue, this really sad mood hit. Now I did start AF yesterday and maybe that's all it is, but it really caught me by surprise.

Some things are going on that could be part of it, either causing the mood in part or as an effect of it - and of course, they have to do with men. . . The guy I dated until about 3 weeks ago called yesterday - we decided a while back that, while we like each other, there's not really that "spark." So anyway, he proceeds to tell me that he's seeing someone and part of me is happy for him. . . and part of me is jealous, and a lot of me just wanted to cry. But he talked about what great long legs she's got - made me feel like I have stubby little fat legs and he was never really that attracted to me (which I suspected when we agreed to split but keep in touch). He never said anything of the kind, but did he have to get into that? Even told me that they haven't had sex - yet (we had). I told him that was the kind of information that I never need to have about his life. But it made me sad.

And for the last several weeks (but not since guy 1 & I split - actually before) my last great love has been on my mind. That relationship ended badly - really badly - and I should hate him. He was horrible to me when it ended, but for some reason I can't get him out of my head. I don't have any idea why I keep thinking about him. I'm not normally like this about guys - treat me badly and you're history - period, so I can't figure out why I have this urge to get in touch with him. For one thing, if I try, he won't respond and for another, reconciliation would be impossible - I forgive, but I don't forget.

I guess maybe I just need more time than I thought to get over that - it was only about 3 weeks from our split to me seeing guy 1.

But I'm just really, really sad today and I don't want to be. I know it'll get better once I get myself moving, but it's weighing on my mind. Why does this stuff keep popping back in when I want it to go away? And then I start to wonder if I'm trying to do so much and because I'm not resting enough I'm lowering my own ability to deal. . .

Anyway, I just needed to say what I think and feel somewhere I knew it would be safe. Maybe that's the first step to rising above. . .

choirmissy · 07-06-2005, 02:34 PM

It sounds like the phone call triggered some things at a time when you're already feeling emotional. As far as the last boyfriend, it doesn't sound like you're missing him particularly, it sounds like you're down because he has the excitement of a new interest that you don't have yet. Whenever I broke up with later boyfriends, my thoughts always seemed to go back to my first love (and still sometimes when I'm really down). I think it happens because a large part of me remembers the joy that comes with first love and in part, because I never feel that the relationship had real closure. It sounds as though he ended it, and you don't feel like you had closure on your end. You could always write a letter to him (but for the purpose of getting it out for yourself NOT to send it to him) and then burn it, so you give those feelings a voice. Being sad part of the time is normal. It seems to hit too when you give yourself time to think. I hope things get better for you quickly.

barneyb · 07-07-2005, 01:31 AM

Better today! I kinda knew I would be, but it's good to realize that this too shall pass. Besides, I went to my first night of class and I'm gonna have so much work to do I won't have time to wallow. Thanks for your kind words.

LakotaGirl · 07-07-2005, 12:26 PM

summer school will go by faster than you think...i finish on saturday..yay!!! I think you're just remembering the good times you had with your first boyfriend and that was rude for that guy to tell you that much information about the new girl. You just don't do that to other people especially people you've dated in the past. I think we all think about our past loves from time to time. I'll admit it sometimes i wish i could call my first love but that would be serious no no. I always tell people this enjoy your singlehood while it last it's a gift. How many people that are married tell you to wait. The right guy will come around and he will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

TickledPink · 07-07-2005, 01:22 PM

i am glad you are feeling better

(((((hugs)))))

heather090702 · 07-07-2005, 01:35 PM

I'm glad you are feeling better. I think it's great you are going back to school. I can't wait to start in August, it always makes me feel better about myself too!

Heather

barneyb · 07-07-2005, 05:18 PM

Just to clarify, the one who has been on my mind was definitely not my FIRST love, just the first since my divorce. There have been other dates and other strong attractions, but I truly loved him. And it really hasn't been that long.

Anyway, class started last night and it's going to be a lot of work, but could be kind of fun. I've already done my homework for the next class and it isn't due until Monday. You'll have to keep me posted on how it's going for you whan you go back Heather; fall semester is when I officially start my degree program and I can't wait!!! Just wish I could quit work and go to school full time.

heather090702 · 07-07-2005, 05:57 PM

I'm glad your class sounds fun, and you're sure starting off great you overachiever! I'm only able to go because DH works. We take out my entire tuition in loans so when I am done we will be hit with some hefty payments. It is so worth it though. I missed it all last year when I had DD and then she was too little for me to leave her with someone when the semester started. So I am really itching to get back.

Good luck, PM me if you need anything or ever want to chat.

Heather

LakotaGirl · 07-07-2005, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by barneyb

Just to clarify, the one who has been on my mind was definitely not my FIRST love, just the first since my divorce. There have been other dates and other strong attractions, but I truly loved him. And it really hasn't been that long.

I wasn't referring to him as your first love I was referring back to how we all think about people we once dated.

barneyb · 07-07-2005, 08:36 PM

That we do. And I do still talk to my first love - he and his wife are currently battling infertility. What's funny though is that when I'm blue about my love life, I never think of him like that. I'm just taking a break from men and making life all about me. I did that for a while when my husband and I split and it was pretty empowering. Actually looking forward to focusing on other things.