First of all, I already feel guilty about posting this here. I just didn't know where else to turn to. In light of several women recently suffering with losses, I didn't want to hurt or offend anyone.
My post deals with guilt mainly. For those of you who don't know, I have suffered 2 miscarriages and the loss of my baby boy at 37 weeks. Yes, I am pregnant again and I thank the Lord for that. I just can't shake this guilt and scared feelings that I get as weeks go by. I visit the PG board and see women who are so excited about getting out of the first trimester and I remember being that way with my son. Never in a million years would I have thought that only 3 weeks from his due date, he would be gone. I feel guilty that I did something to cause my son to die. Why wasn't I paying closer attention? What could I have done different? What right do I have getting pregnant again when I couldnt even have prevented the death of my son? My dr. says that what happened to him was a freak accident and that this pregnancy will turn out differently and I need to try not to worry. Yeah right.....tell someone who has lost THREE babies not to worry about losing another one. I guess when it comes down to it, I am just plain scared. I wish I could just enjoy pregnancy the way a woman is supposed to. Women are supposed to have happy and healthy pregnancies and deliver healthy babies. You ladies know that it is not always that fairy tale case. I also wonder, why did God choose me for this to happen to? I know that the Bible says that God will not make you go through anything you arent strong enough to handle. I really don't think I was that strong to have to bury my firstborn child. I feel like i have been on both ends of the spectrum. I have had early losses and a late loss. No loss is easy by any means but I would not wish what my husband and I went through on anyone.
I have been reading some of the posts on here from women who are upset at others for being pregnant....and that makes me feel guilty. Why? I have no idea because I have been in there shoes so many times. Especially the ones who have lost their babies. I know all about being upset and just plain pissed off. You should have seen me last year when we lost our son, my sister and my best friend had babies within 2 weeks of our loss. Talk about being pissed. I couldnt even look at my niece at first. I dont begrudge them their anger and sadness. It is totally understandable. My heart goes out to those who have lost their babies because it hurts so much.
I just wish I would stop feeling so guilty. I know added stress is not good for the baby I am now carrying. I just don't know how to stop it. I just feel like a failure.
I am so sorry if this upsets anyone but I doubt the newly pregnant women in the PG board would be willing to hear a story about someone losing their baby at 37 weeks. I heard a story like that when I was pg with Dallas and I was thinking to myself how horrible that was and that it wouldnt happen to me. I also apologize to those who have recently lost babies. I am just feeling really sad and scared and I wanted to let a little of my feelings out since no one around me really thinks I should talk about Dallas. "It's not good for the baby to think about bad stuff" Like I should just forget about my babies that are in Heaven and I should only think about the one I am carrying. People can be so insensitive sometimes.
Ok, I need to wrap this up. The tears are coming now and I dont want to start babbling. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read my thoughts. I really love my cysters here.
First of all, who can blame you for being scared? I was scared during my 2nd pg, because I knew how quickly it could all end. And I don't know how to tell you not to feel guilty, but truthfully, you've earned some happiness. If you can bring yourself to be happy and optimistic about this pregnancy, you deserve it. You really do.
I often feel like I have been denied the joy of pg, if it ever happens to me again. I'll never have that innocent joy that other couples have who don't know what loss is. The only thing I can hope is that, if/when we ever do get those children we hope for so dearly, that we will have an appreciation that runs deeper than many people will ever be able to understand.
__________________ age 33~DH 36
dx w/PCOS 6/98
TTC since 2/01
m/c 1/4/02 @ 6 wks
m/c 7/24/02 @ 9 wks
Prenatal vitamin
2 rounds of Clomid failed
2 rounds of Pergonal failed
Rest cycle (no meds): +HPT 9/5/03
DD born 5/1/04
"Carry a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come." -- Chinese proverb
I have read your posts here, on the pg board and on TTC. My heart goes out to you with all that you have lost. Please know that you will always fit in on this board. Several cysters who are pg or have recently had healthy babies still post here since it is where they have felt most comfortable.
I know how you feel (to some degree) about posting on TTC. I feel like many of the women there are at the beginning and have not experienced any loss, so I don't want to scare them with my experiences, so often I just don't respond to some threads. At the same time I am afraid to get pg again and post things like that on the pg board - other may not want to hear about it while they are all happy. Just know that you fit in here pg or not. I find I spend more time on this board since my loss even though I am TTC again. IT just feels weird there.
I' can't begin to understand the losses you have had, but many of us here are very willing to listen. Here your experience is valuable to new members and we can all share in the joy of your pregnancy!
You are more than welcome to post here as far as I'm concerned. I spent nearly three months pg after my IVF stuck in limbo about where to post because most of the ladies were pg for the first time and never had experienced any losses so they didn't understand the overwelming fear I was having. I couldn't relax and just be happy and the day I was just beginning to feel like things were going to work out was the day they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat any more. It was horrible. I was just sick about it. They kept telling me once there's a heartbeat, then you can relax. What a lie!
Disregard all the myths about talking about something negative will make it happen. My baby had a genetic problem that would have never allowed her to grow into a full term baby. I didn't jinx her death by being cautious or worrying. It was already something that happened in the petri dish at the lab before the embie was released back inside of me. I felt so much relief knowing I didn't "curse" myself.
It is understandable to be worried and cautious because I know from experience you just don't want to set yourself up too high "Just in case". It doesn't make you a bad person and you shouldn't feel quilty about it.
I think my resentment problems stem from people who go from having IF problems who suddenly get pg and then have that fairy tale wonderful pregnancy and seem to forget what it was like to be IF. It is normal for those of us who have suffered multiple losses to have a growing resentment for people who have never had to face our pain. It isn't that we don't wish other pg people well, it's just that we feel cheated.
(((HUGS))) to you, I hope all your fears about this pg are soon replaced with a sweet bundle of joy. I wish the very best for you and will be checking up on you from time to time if you like to see how you are doing.
Take care of yourself and that little miracle you are carrying!
I just wanted to tell you that you are stronger than you realize.... and you are such an inspiration to those of us who have experienced loss time and again... the fact that you get through each day and still reach out to others here on the board when your feeling the way you do is purely selfless... you ARE strong.
I am praying for you and dh.... and hoping your pain is eased as each day passes by...
Karen
And I don't know how to tell you not to feel guilty, but truthfully, you've earned some happiness. If you can bring yourself to be happy and optimistic about this pregnancy, you deserve it. You really do.
READ THIS AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED, HELL PRINT IT OUT AND KEEP IT IN YOUR POCKET!!
I can understand where you are at I was there with my dd I too lost my dear 1st born son at 38 weeks preg I was scared $hit less to say the least!!while you are normal it stilldoesnt make it feel better.people are insensitive I too heard oh just think about this preg, not Matthew's!(ds) WTF!! How!! Cant happen even if I wanted to!!DUH!!HE IS MY SON AND ALWAYS WILL BE!I dont know why I replying I really have no advise I just want you to know your not alone!
Quote:
What right do I have getting pregnant again when I couldnt even have prevented the death of my son?
You have every right you deserve this!!And think about your son if you want I did feel guilty when I was preg. with dd every guilty.ie: how can I be happy when my baby is dead,what kind of mother am I, is this why he died?NO its called mothers instinct you already are a mother and you have the instinct THIS IS GOOD try to use it for the better!!YOU DESERVE IT!YOU DESERVE IT!YOU DESERVE IT!
SAY IT AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED IT IS TRUE!!!!
Its ok to feel scared dont beat yourself up over it!think yes Im scared,I have every reason to,and this wont change anything with this pregnacy!!!
well I hope this makes sence if not disregard!!
FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME ANYTIME!!!
ANDREA
__________________ I'M 28~DH 34~DD 6
^THEY ARE THE TWO BEST THINGS IN MY LIFE^
DS Angel Baby Matthew 7/4/94
We lost our DS due to placental abruption at 38 weeks pregnant!!
DX Sept.2001
Started Met. on Nov. 4th
(if I could only not skip days!)
Yasmin
((((Jessica)))) I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable and guilty. There's no need to explain or apologize. What you have been through is a total nightmare and you have every right to come here and vent all you want. I think that what you are feeling - the guilt - is totally normal and part of the grieving process. I also have had terrible guilt after both m/c.
One thing that has helped me with my feelings of guilt is crying and screaming and saying exactly what it is that I feel guilty about (i should have drank more water, i should have been tested for an infection, i should have been more careful etc etc.) And DH or my mom or my cysters have always been there to tell me that it's really NOT my fault and that I was a great mom, would have done anything to save the babies if I'd known what might have worked or if there had been any way to change things.
So I am here to tell you, Jessica, it is really NOT your fault. The guilt that you feel is a sign of just how much you love your babies and that you would have done anything to save them. You are obviously a really loving mom and this baby is going to be very lucky.
My sister lost her little boy and she has guilt... despite the fact that she took two years off of work to be at his bedside round the clock caring for him through a bone marrow transplant and despite that she went without sleep and food often in favor of reading everything she could about his disease and how to best fight it. I have never seen a more amazing example of love and dedication... and yet, she feels this guilt, this feeling of "what more could I have done?"
I think it is part of the maternal instinct to protect our little ones. We will always put them first and wonder what other sacrifice we could have made to save them. But sometimes these freak things happen because that is the unfortunate way of the world we live in and I don't even think that God can prevent it. I think if God could have saved our babies he would have. So if God can't even fix things, how can we? It's time to give yourself a break, Jessica, and be good to yourself. Your baby in heaven knows how much you love him and that you would have done anything to save him. It is not your fault that things went the way they did. (((hugs)))
__________________ me (38) DH (40)
Prenatals, BA, synthroid
3 m/c's - 11/5/02, 2/28/03 (Henry), 12/17/03
Liam born 2/28/05 - our pride and joy!
BFing and ttc #2
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I want to say thank you to all your wonderful replies. I am feeling better today. Yesterday was just one of those days where I sat around and thought about my babies. I took out the box that the hospital gave us when we lost Dallas and held all the clothes and just cried and cried. Like I said, I am feeling better today. I feel more positive. I have a wonderful DH who helps me out so much. When we are living 700 miles from any family, it sure does help to have a supportive spouse (and of course my cysters!). Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your kind words.
I understand how you are feeling. I lost my daughter at 18 weeks. Definately not as far along as you, but past the "safe" point. My mother lost a baby boy at 41 weeks. I was 12 years old at the time, but it has influenced all of my pregnancies. I know that I will never be pregnant without "that fear". I see people who are enjoying their pregnancies, and I wish I could too. I also have some days that are worse than others. I don't think that it will really be okay until the baby is in our arms, crying and kicking. Take care of yourself and know that you did nothing wrong. Your babies know how much they are loved.
__________________ David 2/8/01
Our Angel~Kylie~stillborn 8/10/02 at 18 weeks
Lindsey 9/24/03
~The Cyster Connection~
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I pray for the safe arrival of your baby and that his/her presence in your life will allow you to grieve fully for ALL your lost babies and will help to heal all the pain that you and your DH have experienced.
You truly deserve all the happiness in the world and no-one should ever expect you to just forget about your babies
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Jessica)))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))
I also have guilt about posting here b/c I am pg & don't want to seem insensitive. When I'm on the pg board I feel guilty about stressing those cysters out if I'm having some "bad days" in regards to my feelings about my sons. There is always an undercurrent around me that I'm not supposed to talk about their life OR their death & people tell me I should just focus on the baby girl I'm about to deliver. Its difficult when you can't get overly excited about being pg again b/c of the fears. Or the dreaded question "is this your first baby?"....I refuse to say she is & it can be awkward but I just quickly tell them that I had premature twin boys that died after they were born & wait to see the response. After reading the replies to this post Jessica I think its safe to say the cysters on this board are sensitive & maternal & posting here is part of supporting each other. I look forward to reading about how you doing this pregnancy & pray for God to give you peace to enjoy it.
God bless
JJ
__________________ Jennifer35 Stephen31
Married 12/31/99-soulmates 12yrs
no PCOS symptoms-thin cyster dx 4/01
100mg clomid/HCG/IUI=TWIN boys
rescue cerclage 1/02
c-section @24w3d 1/15/02
DANIEL & CHRISTIAN lived 1 precious day & died in my arms
D&C w severe blood loss 3/02
repeat D&C 6/02
50mg clomid/IUI
cerclage 11/02
EDEN FAITH born via c-section 4/21/03 @36w2d
50mg clomid/bd pg--m/c @5w 8/04
50 mg clomid/bd=TWINS b/g
cerclage 12/04
AUTUMN GRACE & ASHER STEPHEN 5/30/05 via c-section@35w5d
Hey Jessica
I cried reading your post. You have been through so much pain and I have followed your journey. Dallas was born just before my ds and I cried for you then as I do now. You have every right to feel the was you do. You have had a crap deal!! I want to say something succinct and eloquent.........something that will ease your anxiety and hurt.......but I know that is not possible.
Just know that I am praying for you and your precious bub. I hope this baby is a healing gift for you and enables you to see the sunshine through the clouds. I hope he/she will bring you so much joy that you will look forward to waking up every day just to see his/her little face. I hope he/she will remind you of your precious angel babies and yet allow you to heal and look forward to brighter days.
You ARE strong.........you are one of the strongest people I know. I admire your strength and courage, your hope and ability to go on......even when you think you can't.
Thanks for sharing your post here, I'm so glad you did. Just know that we are ALWAYS here for you.
Jessica,
Big hugs to you, I am glad that you are pregnant again and I pray with all my heart that you will carry this little one to term. I know all to well the fear of being pregnant after loosing three. I also know how hard we can be on ourselves. I had always heard that children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord. After loosing our third I convinced myself that I was at fault and that God must hate me for letting this happen. It has been five years since we lost our son's twin and I can still feel the pain almost as fresh as when it happened. You will never be able to forget the babies you lost and please don't try to. I suggest that you get a journal and write about your son Dallas. Honey, I know it will be hard but write about the hopes and dreams you had for him. Write about what you went through and how it felt. Maybe by putting it into words you can start to heal and you can release some of it.
I wrote letters to my unborn children and told them how much loved them. It helped me to heal and let go. It has taken a long time to come to the realization that God wasn't punishing me and it wasn't my fault...it was just something that happened. The one thing I do know is that you can either let it destroy you or you can let it can make you stronger. I can tell that you are fighting to let it make you strong. Keep fighting, keep your faith and hope in the Lord, He knows your fear and He knows the desires of your heart.
Beth
Where do I fit in? (long) 
