where do i start?!?!?!?!?!

nellie · 01-20-2003, 02:56 PM

i am writing this as i just want to ramble on and get it out of my system. you don't have to read or reply.
some of you may remember that i have for two years now, been seeing a married man. (cow, i know). it started out fun then progressed to really falling for the guy. through my depression last year he was the only one i could depend on, he has always been there for me. he has been the best friend i never had. well last week he finished us. when we started, he was having problems in his marriage. throughout our affair, they "patched things up" (his words not mine). they are now "better than ever" (again his words). as you can imagine, being 20 i am the stereotypial "i really lovehim and don't want anyone else" silly wee girl. or so my mum thinks anyway. trouble is, i feel like i have lost the most important person in my life. everyone tells me oh you will meet someone else, someone who can be with you whenever you want them to be. i am so sick of hearing that. i have always know he wouldn't leave her for me. doesn't stop me wishing it though. i am also sick of hearing how much he is no good for me bla bla bla. these things might be true but it doesn't stop it hurting. ever since we stopped we have argued coz i am just finding it so hard to let go. i have imagined it if i was her. and yes i know what i have done to her. she has told me plenty times as she has found out plenty times. my two year love for him is probably nothing compared to her 14 year marriage but that doesn't help either. i am now wondering why i am writing this. its pointless, its not doing any good. sorry if you are reading this and i have bored you.
i now want to finish this post. one of his reasons for finishing with me was that he can no longer handle my "dark moods" and the fact i take them out on him. since i have had pcos, i have taken severe modd swings. i have lost so many friends through this as my mouth is my weapon. i say so many things i don't mean. my longest relationship was four months. we got to the "i feel really comfortable with you" stage. this is when i start! when i know i can trust them, for some reason thats when i lash out. its always the ones close to me. but he could always handle it and knew i didn't mean it. because of this he let me take it out him coz he knew i didn't mean it! i trusted him with so much. maybe too much. it looks like i got it wrong. he is just the same as the rest. run as soon as they come to a problem. i thought i could depend on him. (i am mow listening to millie jackson - if lovin you is wrong, i don't want to be right. bad choice of song).trouble is, i work with this guy. i have been off work since the split. i can't face seeing him. i knowthe longer i leave it the harder it will be but....!!

O2bphishin · 01-20-2003, 03:09 PM

Hugs to you Nellie!
You have been with this guy for two years, in essence not only did you lose your boyfriend but also your best friend. Cry, write bad poetry, cry some more. Treat yourself to an ice cream cone (if you like ice cream!). Have a few girls night out evenings. The fact is that your situation sucks. It sucks to lose someone. You said that you knew that he would never leave her for you, but that doesn't make your pain any less. I think time may make it better, but it may be a long time. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up about this. Vent here if it makes you feel better! Try not to let yourself get sucked down into that bottomless hole! I'll be thinking about you!
Jenn

nellie · 01-20-2003, 03:14 PM

(ok really feeling sorry for myself now). you said have a girls night out.with who??? the two friends i had from school both have babies. if i go and see them it just reminds me how much i am worried that it may never happen for me. they are both in serious relationships anddon't have time for me anymore. over the past few years i have cancelled somany nights out with them as i cannot face going out anymore. they have got fed upwith it. he was my social life! without him, i don't have one.

AmericanWoman · 01-20-2003, 03:45 PM

Sweetheart,

You are extremely young and very good-looking. You are a beautilful woman with a broken heart. If that doesn't attrach some lad soon Scotland for you, I don't know what is wrong with the men there!

This seems like your whole world right now, but what it means is you have a God who loves you so much, He is obviously pulling you out of a difficult and dishonoring situation.

You deserve better for yourself. About the moral implications, I won't go there since you have heard it all...but I will mention that nobody is a winner in this situation. It is a doomed one. Elizabeth Taylor many years ago went for Richard Burton, got him away from his wife...and then he went and did the same thing to her. No matter how beautiful, smart, etc you are, the man who does this to his wife will also someday most likely do this to you. It ain't the wife's fault, it is the fact the husband is always looking for something and he never finds it.

I will pray for you. Take care of yourself and let go. Some man out there will be able to accept you 100%, moods and all.

hunterli · 01-20-2003, 03:49 PM

Nellie...Sweetheart....((((HUGS)))).

There is nothing you can do apart from keep on going through each day and eventually, eventually, life will start to improve. Get up in the morning, go to work, come home, eat your meals, cry, sleep.

Definitely think about finding a new job. It will get you away from the constant reminder of seeing him, AND it gives you an opportunity to meet some new people, perhaps get involved in the social life of a new work place?

Lis

PM me any time

JaneR · 01-20-2003, 04:03 PM

Nellie I really feel for you!!!

Lis is right, try look for another job. If you are bored at night think about doing an evening class that will help you get a different job (sometimes it helps if you are just STUDYING for a new qualification - looks good on the CV!) It will also help you meet other people and you will be busy with your homework and stuff so won't have so much time to just sit and think.

I've been on both sides of the fence - a married woman having an affair and "the other woman". Luckily the affair I had when I was married was just fun - no emotions involved, but emotions were involved when I went out with the married man. It was supposed to be fun, turned serious, when the crunch came he chose his wife. However I didn't work with him and they actually emigrated to New Zealand a couple of months after we split up. It was easier after I didn't see him at all and I got on with my life. It took time, but I did get over him.

You are young and beautiful. You have a medical problem that is causing the mood swings and we all always take the things out on the people closest to us. Don't beat yourself up about it - you know that is a problem, so just accept it and try not to let it rule all your relationships.

Take care of yourself and rant and cry as much as you want - we'll listen!

Belle18 · 01-22-2003, 09:36 AM

hey hon!

Sorry have not been around for a while but haven't been very well, had my mobile phone stolen so lost your number etc etc.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this-you really need to get away from this bloke as it is a relationship that isn't going anywhere and is just going to make you feel like crap which you definetely don't deserve.

Remember when we first meet I had just split up with my boyfriend of two years because he couldn't handle me being ill and the fact that I had had a miscarriage? Well now I am in a relatinoship with possibly the nicest, most gorgeous person who is totally support to me even the I have just gone on medication that is putting me through a 'mini menopause' (long story-one for another thread) and am therefore a bit crazy sometimes. A year ago I was in the same position as you-feeling like total crap and convinced that no-one would want to be with me again. But honestly babe you will move on from this. It is unbelieveably hard now but you will.

Remember I am here for youxxxxxx

CTCyster · 01-22-2003, 06:04 PM

Nellie

I agree with everyone else- take some time to grieve- focus on yourself- it is ok to be selfish in times like these- you need to remember that you are your #1 priorety.

I also agree that a cheater will never become a "non-cheater". Even if he HAD left his wife for you, who knows when he would turn around and dump you for someone else. You deserve a man's full attention- to put your relationship out on display for everyone to see- not to have to skulk around with a man who doesn't care enough to be with you ALONE.

I hope you find the man of your dreams- I know he is out there somewhere- just waiting for you.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you recover from this breakup. After all, even relationships doomed to failure still leave pain and bitterness behind.

I hope things are looking up for you soon, cyster!

*Aimee*