Tonight I think I really hit rock bottom, but again every time I say that something worse comes along so I say it with a grain of salt. I've never been the type of person to be voilent in any way shape or form. In fact I care very much for people. I've only been married less than 6 months and I screamed the "D" word at my husband tonight. We had a fight, an escalating bad one. He started interrupting me every time I was trying to explain the stress I was under with my degenerating health and everything going out of whack with my body. Our voices raised to yells then screams, then we got in each other's face and started yelling like two guys in a bar. I have never come so close to wanting to sock someone in the face, hard with a fist. Where the heck is this coming from? I fear the testosterone levels are starting to ruin even my personality now. The one thing I always cherished about myself. I am always calm mannered, respectful, friendly, and unconditionally loving to others. I can't say how sick I feel right now that what almost happened tonight even came across my mind. I never hit him, but the fact that I had a strong desire to bothers me. I feel like the ULTIMATE FAILURE. I am about to destroy my marriage. I sat alone in my room for a bit after the fight and thought some scary things. Like how much better off the people around me may be if I wasn't a burden anymore. Please don't take that as suicidal, I could never do such a thing. I guess I just thought those things because every facet of my life is falling to bits around me, and now on the inside too.
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oh sweetheart, Im so sorry you are feeling like this. I dont have much for advice, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that your DH is an understanding man....
__________________ Proud mommy of Jonathan 8.7.04
Proud wife of Pat 8.7.99
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As I was reading your post, I saw so much of myself in there. I think a lot of us have times when we are totally overwhelmed by the many facets of PCOS, and having wacked-out hormones does not help.
Is your DH a "solver"? Mine is. I try to have conversations with him about how I'm feeling, and he just jumps into "solve it" mode, which frustrates me. It makes you feel like your problems are so insignificant when someone just rattles off 15 different ways of how it could be solved. I have found that if I tell him up front, that I just need to have him listen, and not solve, that helps.
Also, I have found that my DH is the only one who can get me so mad that I would punch him if I could. He is the one that knows me so well and can push so many of my buttons that no one else even knows about.
I just wanted to respond to you to let you know that you are not a total failure. Many of us here have felt like failures as women, wives and mothers due to PCOS. We need to pick each other up and reassure each other!
I hope you feel better soon Cyster!
Amanda
__________________ Me (32) DH (31)
DD (4) DS (1)
DX 7/2006
My 2007 Resolution: EXERCISE! (Please encourage me!)
"If we meet no gods, it is because we harbor none." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Update: Went to see Dr.Sherif today and my prayers have been answered. She sat with me for over an hour and a half and went over each and every lab, symptom, history, even family history. She did not seem condescending in any way, as many of the docs I have seen were. She said my labs while most were in "normal" range according to scale, were NOT in fact normal. She found many things that the endocrinologist never even found. She determined that without a doubt I have PCOS. She also determined that I have something called Raynaud's (a condition of autoimmune origin that affects the mainly the hands and feet). In order to be thorough, she asked me to take one more series of blood tests in order to rule out Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (which if I do have is treatable as well, but she is 99% sure I do have PCOS). I agreed and they took the blood there. However, I think due to the lack of sleep and eating I experienced quite possibly the scare of my life. I normally feel faint when getting blood drawn. Sometimes I faint. This time I felt the dizziness, then my arm went numb, then I felt like I was going to pass out. I ended up going into seizure. I have to admit, it was the worst experience of my life. I still feel a headache, nausea, and very weak from it. Plus I bit the side of my tongue. Dr. Sherif came to me when they saw the seizure. She dropped everything she was doing to come and sit with me while I recovered. I LOVE this doctor. She is a godsend. Though I had a horrible scare, today was a step in making the rest of my life a better one. Thank you all for hearing me out through all my anxiety driven posts, my rants, my endless questions, and my depressing posts. I am going to look more positively on this now, because my doctor assured me we could make things better. I can't thank you all enough, especially the ones who recommended this amazing doc.
I'm cross posting this on the other threads where people offered me help and support when I was in need, just to thank them all and let everyone know the update. I finally have a diagnosis and treatment is on the way. I just have to stick it out 2 more weeks to make sure the hyperplasia is ruled out. I will most likely be given Metformin, not postive yet. She did give me the go ahead to start my Yasmin as it contains no androgens. That's about all I have for now, in 2 weeks I will know more.
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But on the upside, it's great that you finally found a decent doctor. I've been through dozens over the years, and it took lots of yelling, and in some cases me threatening to report them to the hmo/medical board or etc. just to get the referals and tests that I needed.
I'm sure you feel vindicated at last, to finally be able to say, "see! I told you I'm not crazy! There was something wrong with me all along!" I know I certainly did after years of trying to get a diagnosis.
Your doc is right though. I was amazed how much better I started to feel when I finally got my insulin resistance and hormones under control. I'm positive that you will too.
Who am I anymore? 
