who am I to question....

MaryS · 10-13-2008, 06:24 PM

It's been forever since I posted here @ soulcysters but I am to a breaking point and just need to let it out before it starts eating me alive.
I have 3(well, 2 that live with us, 1 who is in a permentant foster home since he assaulted me a couple years back) adopted sons who I love very much. This coming Christmas it will be 5 years that they have been with my hubby and I. I love them so very much, but have been feeling "depressed" lately that I never got to experience the joys of having an infant.
My sons moved in with us when they we 4, 8, & 10, so I missed out on even the toddler stage. To make a long story a little shorter, our sons have a biological sister who is 19 and just text messaged to us that she and her boyfriend are expecting and that she is hoping that her brothers and us can be a part of their babies life once he or she is born.
I thought I had come to peace with my infertility issues and please don't judge me or misunderstand as I do love my adopted sons more than anything in the world BUT I wonder why God wouldn't allow me to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy; yet will grace a gal with a "sketchy" background(has past drug issues, past assault charges, theft charges, etc.) with the joys and experience of a pregnancy. I can't tell anyone in my family how I am feeling for fear that they may judge me as not loving the children I have been blessed with through adoption, but it just doesn't seem "fair" that I can't conceive and have all those experiences of caring for a newborne baby, that others take for granted.
Who am I to question the decisions God makes on those who will be blessed with biological children and who will be blessed thru adoption? Both ways you end up being blessed by the life of the child(ren) God entrusts to your care, so why should I question God and feel depressed that I can't bare a child of my own genetics? I have children, and my life is fulfilling, but I still can't help but feel that I am some how missing out due to not having a biological child. After 4 years of fertility treatments and the decision to move on with life and adopt 3 wonderful sons, why should I all of a sudden feel like I'm a failure because I couldn't have biological children? I just don't get it. I'm happy with my life, my husband and I love my sons more than anything in the world, yet here I am sitting questioning why God would chose this gal for a pregnancy, while I was never given that chance?
Sorry, this is long and problem doesn't make sense to anyone, but it is how I am feeling and I knew that I had to get this off my chest so that I can move on and continue to nurture my sons and help them grow into fine young men.

kirvygerl · 10-13-2008, 08:24 PM

Thank you for sharing the burdens of your heart with us. I know there's no magic words that any of us can say to take away the pain of infertility. I really wrestled with this same issue as we were undergoing fertility treatments, and there are still those pangs, even though we have children. It just doesn't seem fair! You shouldn't feel ashamed to share your feelings. Your love for your sons is obvious, and the pain of infertility doesn't take away from that.

It's probably one of those issues we'll never know the answers to, at least not in this life. Sending you giant ((((HUGS)))).

loriwells · 10-14-2008, 02:19 AM

I've asked the same question over and over again even though I know we aren't supposed to question it, but it is always in the back of your mind at least it is mine. Holding my new niece Sat-Sun those old feelings of wanting to try to concieve all came back to both me and my husband, but for us it is in god's hands but the thought is never to far away from you. I'll be praying for you.

Lori

MWpuravida · 10-14-2008, 12:27 PM

Sometimes I feel ashamed for questioning God about these biggies in our lives. And I get awfully upset at Him sometimes. One of the best things someone ever told me is that God is big enough to take it. He is a really big God. He can handle our hurts and fears and anger. Sometime He even uses these times to bring us closer to Him, or lavish a little extra love on us. No matter what... you have people praying for you! and most importantly of all God LOVES you!

juststartn · 10-19-2008, 12:07 AM

Something that helped me, when I've had reason to question things (like the four years it took us ttc our first, and the nearly three weeks we had before we had our loss last month), is that God really is "our Father"...He sees more than we do. He knows more than we do. He can see all of the possible "roads" ahead of us, at every moment of every day--even though He already knows which way we will go...

He is our Parent, and so, like children, we are going to have to rely on His wisdom....we are going to cry, and not understand, and even whine "its not fair!"...

But like we have to tell dc, "life's not fair"...they don't understand why we say no..they don't understand the long term ramifications of the things that they want/want to do...

When I was laying in bed, losing my dc last month, I was praying...and I knew that the Lord had me--and my dc--in the palm of His hand. I knew, that children are a gift, and a blessing--only we don't know how long we will get to keep them...we hope for a lifetime, but sometimes, the "loan" is just not that long...

(I'm sorry for the ramble, but I'm just sharing the things that went thru my head at the time, and since...)...

Blessings come in many different shapes and sizes...there are the usual ones--a happy marriage, good health, financial stability, a good job, children...but even the "bad" things in life can be a blessing...I know that that is a hard thing to understand--how can losing a dc be a blessing....???? But I know that He loves me...I know that He works for my good, and not for evil...so how can even the loss of a dc be anything but a blessing? Maybe this dc was going to turn from Him, as an adult..maybe there would have been other things, that would have happened as this child grew up, that would have not been for their benefit. I don't know. But I do rest in the knowledge that God holds my dc in the palm of His hand. I know my dc is better off--safer--even better off than I could ever have "made them" in this world...
I know that as a parent, my job is to get my dc to heaven. To do my utmost, to see them to His side. No, I can't "make" them, but I can do my utmost...that is my job in their spiritual wellbeing, not just the physical...

I know that this is a way OT ramble, and I am sorry...I think it all ties together...in a way...(like I said, these were the thoughts that came to mind as I delivered my wee one, so small :-( ).....

Something I said somewhere else...If life--all life, in this world, is a tapestry, and God is the weaver...we are like the child sitting under the loom...we see the "wrong" side--we see some knots, confusing spots in the "pattern", and we don't understand how all of these colors and threads can work together to make a picture at all, much less a beautiful one, one which, in His eyes, is "good"...but He sees it....He knows the goal, the end result He is aiming for...

And yet, it will be lovely...in spite of our confusion...in spite of us not seeing the pattern, not understanding why, or how, it can all come together...no, it all works out...how come our lives have to take these particular twists and turns in the warp/weft of the tapestry? There are really good reasons--we just cannot always see the reasons...

I don't know why God tells us no...why God tells us "not now"...why He has to close doors we very much want Him to open wide for us...but there *IS* a reason....

And no, I don't think He minds us questioning. I think as long as we realize that His decisions are for our good, and not ill, well, we just have to realize that, contrary to our human perspective, He is the parent...HE is the supreme authority...HE is the adult--and we are the child...

You said you have adopted dc--you know how sometimes they will yell and stomp and cry and scream at you (as dc can do sooooo well, lol)...and perhaps later, they look at it again, and say "Wow, mom, you were right to say no about that"?? I think that that is the way we have to think about it...do we let ourselves remain bitter and pi$$y about it? Do we "cop an attitude" like we get onto our dc about, when we tell them no, or tell them to do something? Or do we say "Yes, Father", and accept...we can still say "why", but it is still a matter of, well, respect, I think...just as we hold our dc when they cry because they are upset about something in their lives, He holds us in His, when we cry because we are upset--because we are denied something that, while it might be a "good thing", it may not be the best thing for us...when He has to say no...

This may have said "nothing" to your heart. But its something God has laid on mine, as the last month has passed...It has given me an immense amount of peace...I mourned, quickly, because of course I wanted my sweet baby...but I also said, "Lord, my baby is in the safest hands possible...thank you for blessing me with that sweet spirit for 10w5d, and please, let that sweet lovey know I love them so much"...and I am not mourning as I see other women mourn (I know we all do it differently, of course)....perhaps it is because of my faith, and my beliefs....I don't know. Maybe it is God's hand on my spirit, keeping me resting secure in that knowledge...I don't know. I just know that I am doing...well. Really. God loves me, and He loves my little one, even more than I do...and He loves you, too--even more than your parents, even more than your DH, more than all of them rolled into one big ball of love...He holds you in the palm of His hand...

((HUGS))

Rachel

Twizzles · 10-19-2008, 09:55 AM

Wow juststartn.... very powerful read.

I believe it whole heartedly.

alwayzrn · 10-19-2008, 01:24 PM

Juststartn--I agree with you wholeheartedly! I have two boys who were stillborn but born still, one is January of this year and the second 6 months later in July. I have had to deal with the fact being able to get pg with these two babies was a blessing, to be able to feel them move inside me and everything. But losing them was even harder and I asked why! I thought that maybe I would have preferred to never be pg, because it felt so cruel to me to be able to carry these babies just to lose them. But I have realized that my children changed me for the better, they have opened my eyes to many things that were not really significant that I used to fret over.

It is hard but I know my Sons are in a better place, where no one will ever hurt them and they get to be with the Lord always! I don't think I could ask for anything more than that!

You all are in my prayers!

AmelieTTC · 10-19-2008, 06:51 PM

Wow, some powerful reading here. Mary, I can definitely relate. I'm glad you brought this up, because reading the responses has given me so much to think about (and I hope the same for you, too)

loriwells · 10-19-2008, 11:40 PM

I just want to let you know when I read your post and your words of encouragement they really spoke to my heart. We decided a long time ago to put our fertility in god's hands and when we are ready it will happen. But everything you said is true. I just wanted to let you know you warmed my heart with what you had to say.

God bless you,

Lori

Kactonrn · 10-20-2008, 06:36 PM

I have always felt that there was a good reason why some women could have children and some could not. My thinking may not be correct, however, I feel that God made some women infertile because he knew that there were children out there that needed a good mommy and daddy.

It doesn't seem fair.

I wish I had an answer and I hope you find some peace.

juststartn · 10-20-2008, 08:09 PM

((HUGS)) ladies. Thanks for the kind words. Its just something God has taught me in these last few weeks...

Rachel

jordon23 · 11-13-2008, 04:28 PM

I am glad that people have such strong faith, and I realize you must be stronger than me. The more I go through with infertility, and all of the slaps in the face have pushed me away from God. I just can't understand why he would give me such a huge desire to have children and then not allow me to have them. We are so far in debt with medical bills that we can't afford to adopt. So it looks like we are out of options.

I am a teacher and I deal with pregnant 14/15 year olds every day. I see horrible people that don't deserve the air they breathe much less children with their kids every day in the town we live in. I don't know how to have faith at this point. After 5 years of TTC, and all of the adoption paths we have tried we still have not reached our goal of having a child.

This past month we had our first BFP ever, and it was ectopic. We caught the birthmom we had been working with for over 3 months trying to scam us. We realized that we won't have the money to try to go through an agency for a long time. I admire you for having faith, because it's something that I am not strong enough to have right now.

MWpuravida · 11-14-2008, 12:56 PM

Jordon- I am so sorry you are in so much pain. If I were there I would give you a huge hug! I will be praying for you. God can handle your frustrations and your anger.

smcwhorter901 · 12-17-2008, 05:42 PM

Oh, my, you are far from being alone!!! I have those feelings over and over again... I have not yet adopted any children, but hubby and I are in the beginning stages of talking about it - My sister, on the other hand, who has a new boyfriend every week has just announced that she is probably pregnant with her second child... UGH!!!!! It's so not fair... I love my sister dearly, but the way she and her boyfriend yell and curse at that child is far from good parenting. You don't know how many nights I cry and ask God why, but there is a purpose... It's hard to heal from the scars that infertility leaves, but one thing I do know is that God is healer! ... even when it comes to matters of the heart.

Anonykat · 12-17-2008, 06:00 PM

I have asked myself this question a million times...

Even today, watching some trashy TV, I saw some lady (I use that term loosely) with four children, who lets her live-in boyfriend beat and molest them. Why does she get children, and decent people do not?? It is incomprehensible, and only the Good Lord knows the answer.

I am sorry you are hurting, but I can't help but think... might these feelings have arisen for a reason? I don't know what season of your life you're in, if you would ever TTC or adopt again... but maybe there's a baby out there that needs you?

Bless you, whatever you decide. I have no doubt that you will help those boys indeed grow into fine young men.