why?

Shawna_Gail · 08-01-2002, 04:51 AM

I don't know if I have PCOS or not. I have a few of the symptoms, but not all of them. My best friend, rldunn20, and i are talking about getting me tested. At least i'll know if that's why i haven't gotten pregnant or not. I'm not married or anything, i just have this hole inside that can't be filled with anything but a little me. I think it comes from wanted to love and be loved unconditionally. i'm only 20 but i feel like my biological clock is ticking away faster and faster. sometimes i long for mother hood so bad i can taste it. And when i do find a guy that i realy like, i always end up getting hurt. I see how Ramona and Danny are together and i can't help but think, "why not me?" what essential human quality do I lack? Why can i not make it work? I feel like such a failure. In so many different areas. I constantly feel like I am letting everyone round me down. Ramona and Danny, my parents, my grandparents...everyone. And all I know is that sometimes it feels like everything is going to pull me down into a hole that I can't dig myself out of. Sometimes, all I want to do is roll over and tell everyone to go to hell because it takes so much to get out of bed sometimes. Other times it's all I can do just to force myself to open my eyes. And then still other times I am fine. my mood swings so violently sometimes...scares even me a little...lol...but i'm taking zoloft now wich helps a bit. when i was in the hospital about a month ago, i quit taking it...little piece oif advise...: DON'T DO THAT!lol...ever had zoloft withdrawals? Mine took the form of violent dreams in which I or a familt member died horrible deaths. exciting....but i'll stop rambling...i just needed to get all this out. I know that I can talk to Ramona, but she has enough to worry about without me adding to it.

Thanks again....

Shawna

PaulaMc · 08-01-2002, 09:45 AM

Welcome to SoulCysters!

I'm sure you've heard this before, but you are still young. No, I'm sure that doesn't help much. I used to feel the same way you do! I didn't meet my dh until I was 29, married at 30, and now I'm 32. Sometimes it just takes a while. He's 7 years younger than me, so I had to wait until he got old enough for me

.

One of my best friends told me way before I met my dh -- you'll find someone when you're not looking. And that really is true! I had become comfortable with my life alone. That's when I found my dh!

It WILL happen for you! Sometimes you just have to wait a little while.

Also -- go get tested!

Lendi · 08-01-2002, 10:57 AM

Hi, it sounds as though you're having a difficult time. Maybe Zoloft isn't the right medication for you. You should feel a lot better most of the time, not better just a bit. Maybe you should talk to your Dr. about a different medication . There are lots of new meds out there and one of them might work better for you.
I understand that age isn't a factor when you're ready for love to come knocking at your door. All of us have the need to be and to give love. But, you need to be able to love yourself before you try to get into a relationship. Maybe you could work on getting your body and soul to feeling well, then love will find you.
I know it's hard. And I'm sending good wishes and {hugs} your way. Get well and enjoy life.