Why?

CBStaples · 09-26-2005, 10:59 AM

I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. We were only 6-7 weeks along, but I don't understand why this is happening. I know that everyone says, "it happens for a reason and it was for the best." But come on! How can we think that. I promised myself that yesterday I would grieve and today I would start a new outlook on things. It's just that I feel like I broke my husband's heart. If he ever knew that I thought this way, he'd be devastated, but how can I not when I look into his eyes and see such pain?

I need to believe that this horrible event did happen for a reason and that we'll move on and eventually have a beautiful child of our own, but how do I do that?

JuliannePCOS · 09-26-2005, 11:07 AM

**hug*** I'm so sorry you're going through this.

First of all, you're going to need much longer than one day to grieve.

Second, I can't understand why it happens either. What I CAN tell you is that talking about it on boards such as this place helped me immensely in working out my feelings and stuff. It was nice to know that I wasn't alone. It was nice to know that I wasn't alone in feeling like I disappointed everyone -- my husband, my parents, my self.

Third, I have to also believe that this happened for a reason. I don't know yet what the reason is, but I hope it's a good one.

You're going to go through a whole huge gamut of emotions here. Relax, be sad, hug your husband, be thankful you weren't in the hurricane and are cancer free and have a warm bed to sleep in.... all of those things.

Don't give up yet. Next time someone says "oh it happened for a reason and it was for the best" and "it was God's will" and "the baby is in a better place" just know that we're all here rolling our eyes in Internet Land with you. They don't understand if they haven't been in your place.

**hugs**

LaurAnnHere · 09-26-2005, 11:16 AM

You've got to take the time to grieve. You don't just wake up and feel okay, ready to start a brand new day. Take it one day at a time, maybe one hour at a time. Losing a baby early doesn't mean you don't have the right to grieve as long as you need. I hate it when people say "Everything happens for a reason." I don't know if I believe that. Certainly, I don't believe that losing any of my babies was for the best. There were days when I felt so lost and hopeless. Those days used to out number the good days for sure.

You didn't break your husbands heart. Losing your baby is not your fault. I don't know why we look to blame ourselves. I'm guilty of the same. The fact of the matter is that if we could have done ANYTHING in the whole world to save our babies, we would have done it. Tell yourself that out loud. You KNOW it is the truth. You look in your husbands eyes and see his pain, but he looks in your eyes and sees yours. I'm sure he is feeling just as lost and powerless.

Hope is so hard to find when your heart is so broken. The last m/c I had before my son was born I got so frustrated and angry that I ripped every pregnancy book I had to shreds. My husband was not too happy when he got home and saw what I had done. I couldn't help it. I really felt that I would never need those books. After 7 pregnancy losses, I thought all hope was lost. I thought I didn't have the strength to go on. Wouldn't you know, the day I began bleeding from that m/c would officially be the first day of my pregnancy with my son (based on the 40 week calculation).

Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

CBStaples · 09-26-2005, 01:31 PM

Thank you both for your kind and TRUE words. Thanks for listening as well. It means a lot to know that there are women out there not only feeling what I'm feeling but finding the strength to go on.
Thank you!

annem84 · 09-26-2005, 02:48 PM

((HUGS))

I despise it when people say that "it was supposed to happen" and that "they are better off in God's hands", it just irritates me. Losing a child either through m/c or through life is never good, I just dont understand how people can say those things when they have never been through this themselves.

It takes time to grieve. I had a m/c in early July and never did start the grieving process until this past week. I put all my feelings aside and just let life and my new job consume me but then I found this website and my therapist got me thinking somewhat straight again and I need to grieve--it isn't right that I'm not or haven't.

We will never know what the reason is behind m/c--some dr's say abnormal defects or something else went wrong, etc...but again--am still confused on that aspect.

I see the pain in my bf's eyes--I know he wants to help but it is hard because they didn't feel the physical pain; they are just with us in the emotional aspect of it. The m/c was not your fault but it is easier said then done to not put the guilt trip on ourselves.

My thoughts & prayers are with you and your DH during this time ((HUGS))

kwannabee · 09-26-2005, 02:52 PM

Quote:

I need to believe that this horrible event did happen for a reason and that we'll move on and eventually have a beautiful child of our own, but how do I do that?

All i can say, is you take it one day at a time

I'm so sorry for what youre going through...and i so relate to feeling like the devastation of your hubby is on your shoulders too...but you both will lean on eachother and when the numbness wears off...the true healing will start. It takes a long time, and its not easy, and some days its better then others...but your angel baby came to earth even for a little while to change your life...and is watching over you for the rest of it.

I have to believe that...sometimes its the only thing that got me through...

many many hugs and warm thoughts coming your way...the girls here are a true sanity saver and i encourage you to lean on them as much as you can.

VivC · 09-26-2005, 03:10 PM

You've gotten great advice so far. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Please take time to heal - it won't happen overnight.

((hugs)),

Viv

SheriKCMO · 09-26-2005, 03:25 PM

Col,
I am very sorry for your loss. Words aren't very helpful right now, especially the ones that you disagree with, so try to just hear the sentiment that people care about you. That being said, it's a good thing I was never told that my daughter died for a reason! To me that is absolutely wrong. And it was not for the best. With early losses, pcos is probably to blame around here more than genetic problems with the babies, so people really don't know what they are talking about.

And guilt is perfectly normal as you work through your grief. To this day, when I see a father and daughter having a good time together, I wince at the pain in my heart that my husband lost his little girl. Though it is not our fault that we lost our babies, our bodies are the closest things to blame, so we feel responsible. This will get better if you two talk a lot about the loss. It can even bring you closer as you learn what a loving father you married.
Hugs,
Sheri

CBStaples · 09-26-2005, 03:40 PM

Thank you again to everyone. I know this sounds like a cliche but it really does help to hear from other women who have experienced this along with the PCOS. Many women in my family have had miscarriages but none of them have PCOS. Of course, I feel like it is to blame even if it may not be.

Thank you again for being there.

Mustard Seed · 09-26-2005, 03:40 PM

Dear cyster -

I am so sorry for your loss, and I can relate to what you're going through. I completely understand you feeling like you broke your husband's heart. I think it's natural to feel that way, even more so for us since we have pcos and probably most of us had to struggle to even to get to the bfp. I felt the same way too - that I had disappointed DH, his parents, my family, etc. I still feel that way somedays. I felt (feel) sometimes like DH should have married someone else, someone without pcos, who could give him a healthy child just like he's always wanted. He'd be such a wonderful dad and it breaks my heart to think that I might stand in the way of that ever happening for him... but I got to believe that it will happen, no matter how far I feel from believing that right now.

Grieving will not happen in one day, one week, one month, and probably not in just one year. There have been days this past month when I have felt like I couldn't go on, like there was no way I could try again because I know how terrible the pain was this time. But then there have also been days when I have somehow been able to smile, to take comfort in DH's arms, and to know that we will be stronger, and closer because of this. Just remember, in the words of Amy Grant, it "Takes a Little Time."

"You can't fix this pain with money
You can't rush a weary soul
You can't sweep it under the rug now honey
But it don't take a lot to know -

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground...
It takes more than you got right now
Give it, give it time"

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. {{hugs}}

Anonykat · 09-26-2005, 11:46 PM

Quote:

I know that everyone says, "it happens for a reason and it was for the best."

Send the next person who says this to me, and I will promptly plant my size 11 boot right up their backside. There is NO excuse for anyone to say anything like this.

Grief is personal, and everyone moves at their own pace. May God give you strength and comfort.

LK

Rebecca's Mom · 09-27-2005, 01:25 AM

Honey I ma going trough the same thing I ma in my 7th week and having a blighted ovum and it hurts thats all i have heard is now you know you can get there you can conceieve and it will happen again, they just don't know how bad it hurts, I pray god helps you understand, and your not alone

CBStaples · 09-27-2005, 09:44 AM

A friend came over last night and it actually felt normal after a little while. We all talked and laughed and it was nice, but now this morning, I'm alone. My husband had to go back to work becasue he's a union and they don't have sick/vacation time. We can't afford for him to be out. I think that I'm ok, then this wave comes over me and I feel like I'm drowning. I have to go back to the doctor's this morning and I really don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women nor do I want someone poking around up there again! This truly has to be one of the worst things a woman could go through.

Once again, thank you all for your support and your kindness.

Gunnie · 09-27-2005, 10:06 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been through it twice myself. You will have to get over this your way, and if you get these "waves" then it will just be. We are all here with big hugs ready to ride the waves with you.

saluki_fan · 09-27-2005, 05:21 PM

Col,
I am so sorry for your loss. You have gotten some great advice from the other ladies on this board, I second (and third, and fourth in some cases) everything they say.

It may be too late for this - but if you see your doc today, ask if you can just wait in an exam room, instead of the waiting room. If all the exam rooms are full, maybe they'll let you wait in the doctor's office till an exam room opens up. I'm sure they will accomodate you if they can. Remember the people working the front desk may not necessarily see your charts so they don't always know what you are there for, which makes asking all the more important.