why....

Moripoza · 05-12-2007, 11:11 PM

I am really depressed. Things are getting to me. This is the second baby I have lost, and the second pregnancy I did not expect. I feel like I have killed two babies that deserved to live, all because of what I have.

I do not understand why God would allow this to happen, it almost makes me feel like I should never have kids. We are getting so much closer to getting healthier. I've lost 40lbs, my anemia is in the low-normal range(I used to be severely anemic), and my medication is going to make me "normal" again... But now I am not sure if I want to try to have another baby, in fear I will loose it again.

I told my husband today that I am thinking about getting a hystorectomy (sp), because I am tired of the pain, tired of the bleeding, tired of all the crap. I think it hurt him... I was only thinking about the idea. It's just so hard after loosing something that could have been a child that I could have held in my hands...

The first time I got so excited I bought a rocking chair... now it just sits in our closet covered in clothes...

Tensei · 05-12-2007, 11:42 PM

*HUGS* I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know what it's like. I'm recovering from my second miscarriage (3rd, we lost a twin earlier) right now.

It's a confusing time, filled with hurt and pain. But I just want to share with you something that has brought me comfort.

This world is a dark and painful place. Our babies will never, ever experience that kind of pain. Our babies will never know heartache. Our babies will never know the hole that is left in your heart when you lose someone close to you.

Our babies got an express ticket to paradise. When the going gets tough, I try to remember that. I know that it doesn't make it all better, not by any means, but maybe it'll help your heart.

You didn't kill your babies, God just intended them to be with Him sooner.

*HUGS*

Fleegle4 · 05-13-2007, 12:28 AM

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I also felt very betrayed by my miscarriage and by the universe, because I felt that if I wasn't destined to have a child (which I had assumed I wasn't with my age and PCOS) why taunt me by making me think for just a second that it was actually possible and snatch it all away? This is the part that still makes me cry. I feel like a cat who has the catnip toy dangled in front of it and then snatched away as I grabbed for it.

You sound as if you're in a very bad place right now. Now is not the time to be making any big decisions, especially about something like hysterectomy. You didn't say how far apart your miscarriages were, but if they were close, perhaps it's time to take a small break. Give yourself some emotional time to not think about it. At 27, you still have time to allow yourself some breathing room. Talk to a counselor or minister to get through the grieving process. If you don't want to use birth control, don't even think about testing until you're at least a week late and aim for two. (I know it's probably heretical around here, but IMHO no one should ever know they're four weeks pregnant or less -- too stressful and given the huge rate of conceptions that don't take, why would we need to know this? AF still shows up on time. If it's going to work, we'll be just as pregnant 2-3 more weeks down the road and already past one hurdle). Don't get ovulation predictors, charts etc. Enjoy your husband and yourself on your schedule, not on some calendar.

Go off baby-making duty for a while and just be. If you become pregnant in that time, great, but you sound you're in great pain right now. The fear can bring us all down if we let it, so we have to think of ways to not let it. Sometimes that means simply walking away for a bit.

And you didn't "kill" anything. Some babies are not meant to be. Given all the physical hurdles and challenges for any egg and sperm to become a baby, it's amazing that any babies make it. So many things can just go wrong, but you're not being punished for something you did. I am very upset that I lost a baby, but I'm thankful that if something was really wrong with the baby -- chromosome damage, malformed organs, etc -- nature took care of it. My loss is the opportunity and potential that was lost. I know I'd be a good mother, and my biological clock has almost run out. I feel betrayed and angry. But I don't blame myself for the one that was lost (and the possible one before that -- I would have been about 4 weeks along, but AF came on time, but the way it came in hindsight makes me think that it was m/c. I'm glad I never knew for sure). And yeah, it sucks that some people seem to have children easily and without much thought.

I wish I had some magic wand to wave for all of us. But it's one step at a time, one day at a time. Even when we don't feel like it, just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. One day, it may not be so hard to do so.

I wish you peace and good luck.

SheriKCMO · 05-15-2007, 01:12 AM

I'm very sorry for your losses! There are lots of success stories after losses around the board, and I hope that when you are ready, it will work for you. It sounds like you are doing a great job on your health, and that can be great at battling pcos. When you are ready to think about next time, you'll know. Until then, let those crazy thoughts come on through... it's all part of the grief process, and you can tell DH that.