Why is 31 so hard?

PrincessCharti · 11-21-2006, 03:59 PM

My birthday just passed and I am now 31.
31.
I have no babies, no smiling faces. I have no children. How is it that I am 31 with no kids?
When I was younger and depressed I used to tell myself that I had to go through the hard times to make myslef stronger for something really hard in the future. I knew there must be a reason for the hardship.
I am not sure if I got any stronger because I cried on my birthday, I cried yesterday and I am crying today.
I am depressed. I didn't even go to work today.
My brain isn't even functioning.
I want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Not eat, not sleep, not watch t.v. Just stare vacantly at the wall.
My birthday was great. My husband took my the the Fairmont Royal York for Sunday brunch and gave me pearl earrings to match the pearl necklace he bought me last year. He bought me flowers and gave me a second surprise gift... a Farside calendar. He even agreed to help me decorate the Christmas tree.
Decorating the tree awlays picks me up. It didn't this time. I hated the tree. It looked ugly and I didn't like where I put each decoration. It ended up being a horrible idea. I suppose "happy christmas tree dust" is only so potent. I need something stronger. Like a BFP. I know I won't be getting one of those.
My dr. wants me to move on to spermwash and iui. I'm losing hope. Hope kept me going for so long and now he's telling me there is little to no hope here. What if I move on and it doesn't happen.
I feel like giving up. I just want to disappear for a while. Not go on vaation but actually disappear. Fall into a coma and escape me life. I don't want to die. I suppose there must be some kernel of hope left.
I know 31 isn't totally old but it's relativley old when you are TTC.
I'm going back to bed.

Monita · 11-23-2006, 06:02 PM

Hi there,

First of all, let me say that many of us understand you and what you are feeling. It is so hard sometimes to give advice or just encouragement, when sometimes it is us who also feel depressed and lost. However, I wanted to add my 2 cents and give you some advice, if it is helpful, then great !!

I understand the pressure of the "biological clock" which I believe it is more an old preconception about "when are you supposed to have babies". Let me give you an example. My sister in law was 45 when she had her first baby. 45. And because she is very joyful, positive, she enjoys her kid without thinking that she may not have another one, or she got pregnant much older than she wanted.

What I mean is that you have to forget about "what you are supposed to have at a specific age". It all starts with marriage. You are 23, 25, 29, and as you get close to 30, people start asking "when are you going to marry?". Later on, it is "when are you having babies?" but it can also be : "when are you going to buy a house?" "When are you going to be promoted?" "When are you going to have your second baby?" etc etc etc

If you get free of all these obligations to "reach something at certain age" then you will feel much better. There is no tragedy of getting older. I can tell you, I fell much prettier and confident now at 34, than I was at 20.

If you base your hapiness on having a baby then you will struggle all the time and you can even interfere with the time this will happen. You need to let this come at its own time, if it comes. I know how hard it is to think it may never happen, but as far as I can read, you are just about to explore IUI, and you still have IVF if this does not work.

What I mean is that you need to do your best to be happy with your current circumstances and go with the flow as everything has its time.

My sister is 55 and she never got married, and of course will not have children. She would envy you for having a Husband... as you can see, you suffer for the kids you do not have, she suffers because she has no husband and as a result, as well no kids to look forward to... There will always be better and worst circumstances and we need to stay strong.

I could also recommend to you to see a specailist so if your depression is not only caused by the stress of TTC, he can prescribe something to help. Sometimes the depression is caused by other factors, such as a malfunctioning of the neurotransmitters, lack of serotonin, etc.

I am also TTC and I have been taking fish oil and making exercise and this has really helped me. I do not want to go on zoloft or prozac as I believe my depression is mild and I can still control it. But when a depression starts to affect your life, you need to do something.

Your life is very valuable, try to enjoy it as much as possible. You have seen how hard it can be to create a new life. If you were not meant to be here, you would never have been born. Try to remain positive, and help yourself, love yourself as much as possible. This will give you strenght to continue.

I hope to see your BFP very soon, I am sure you will get there.

katiekeen · 11-23-2006, 07:46 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling so down Princess - but trust me, 31 is not so old. I know it feels it at the time and it's hard to get perspective when you're feeling down about it.

Monita pretty much said it all very beautifully. It was a good reminder for me too, to be thankful for what I do have, and relax about things that are beyond my control.

I really hope you are feeling better. Babydust to you.

Weeza · 11-24-2006, 01:56 AM

I am so sorry that you are feeling so terrible. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am 28 and my life is nothing like I thought it would be. I remember my senior year of high school.....18 years old and knowing that I had my whole life ahead of me. I would sit back and imagine what I would be doing in 10 years. I imagined that I would have a husband or at least a boyfriend. I thought maybe we would have a house and possibly a child. I hoped that I would be doing something for a living that I would enjoy. I thought....in 10 years maybe I'll finally be happy. No such luck, unfortunately. I have none of these things but I try to still have hope for my future.

You have a great husband and you are still young enough to have children. It may be frustrating that it is so much of a struggle for you compared to the average woman but don't give up hope. You still have time and hopefully something can eventually be done to help you. Keep trying, praying and hoping and try your best not to let depression consume you. I wish you all the luck in the world.

emti · 11-24-2006, 03:25 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling blue...I totally understand what you mean about being 31 with no kids. I'm 33 and all i've ever wanted was to be a mother. When we're young we just assume that it will happen but when it doesn't go according to plan we wonder what the hell happened. I'm so glad that you've reached out to us cysters and know that we are all thinking about you and praying for you. I won't do the cliche thing and say everything will get better but I will say this. Everyday is another opportunity to breathe and another opportunity for something good to happen. And it always does no matter how sad we are just look you went to the Royal York (isn't it FABULOUS?) with your hubby and you got pearls. The Universe/God whatever you want to call it will not let a day go by without you getting something good. You just have to recognize it. You're hubby is a good man and you get him every single day...
all my love to you and keep reaching out please!