My husband has a friend from work that he used to share an office with. We are not super close to them, but we do go out with them to dinner every now and then. The wife is my friend in that "my husband's friend from work's wife" kind of way. Last fall when I was pregnant with Gabriel, she did a huge favor for me (long story) and while she was driving me somewhere she confessed that she and her DH had been TTC for a long time and weren't having any success. I said I was sorry and used that as a clue to not talk about my pregnancy much. I wanted to give her all sorts of advice, but since she did not ask or give details, I wasn't going to pry. I just told that I have fertility issues as well.
Anyways, about a month ago, Fred told me that she was pregnant. He said he was worried that I would be upset, but I told him that no, I was very very happy for them. I just didn't want to sit around talking about babies or anything.
This morning while I was making my Sour cream and cottage cheese pancakes (see recipe forum for these yummy things!), my DH was getting ready to run out to the police station to report someone (WHOLE nother story!!!). He stopped in the kitchen right before he left and said "R just IM'ed me. It's bad news. D lost the baby last night." I was completely shocked and asked how far along she had been (I didn't want to talk about it before). He said "Four months... it was a boy." I just stood there crying. and unfortunately, he didn't have any time to comfort me.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm a curse or something. I never knew anyone in real life that had a second tri loss before. But now??? And it was a boy! I don't know what to do for them. They are Hindu and I have NO idea how to approach this. Anyone have any ideas? I don't know what they believe and I worry that I have bad karma or whatever. Forgive me for being so ignorant. I talk to them all the time about their culture but never asked them much about their spiritual beliefs.
*sigh* So far this weekend has been a real trial.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
You are a very good person to be concerned about them.
Have you considered posting on the Faith and Healing board to see if we have any Hindu cysters, including a link to this thread in your post? Maybe you can get some feedback from that.
I had a Hindu friend, but I haven't talked to her in 4 or 5 years so I probably shouldn't call her for advice. What about calling a local temple and speaking with the equivalent of a pastor there for some guidance, and following his/her lead as far as approaching the couple?
You are NOT a curse whatsoever, don't EVEN say that. Second trimester losses are less common than first, to be sure, but unfortunately they do happen...my heart goes out to this poor couple and I hope they are able to find peace and comfort somehow. You are a good friend to have their best interests in mind.
Good idea Meghan! I'm going to post in Faith and Healing with a link. Thanks for your supportive comments. The "cursed" thing was my first reaction... it just really bothers me. I'm thinking about making them some food and dropping it off, as well. Maybe a card? I'm so bad at this... even though I've been through it.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I think a card is a GREAT idea. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can spare a small donation in memory of their son, that might be nice too. Also, can you tell her about the support group that's helped you?
Food and a card would be so kind. If you are quick enough to contact them, you might get an invitation to a memorial service, and that would be a great way to know where they stand. Although Brad and I aren't religious, we didn't mind our family and friends (including cysters) referring to Mary Catherine as an angel and saying that she is with Jesus and such, because I know that these people said it out of love. Others might be offended, understandably. I would just write a simple card for now stating that you and DH were very happy about their pregnancy and share their heartache more than most people can understand.
I'm sorry this keeps happening, too. Usually it makes me mad these days, but this one makes me sad. They have a lot of people thinking of them!
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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((Adrianne)). I'm so sorry for your friends, and so sorry that it's bringing up memories. You are NOT a curse. I believe that our stories will help save other babies from being born too soon. That always gives me comfort.
And, you are in a position to provide support for this couple that 99% of people CAN'T! That's not a curse - it's a blessing (a twisted, sad blessing, but you know what I mean).
I think that whatever you do, they'll understand that it comes from a position of love and understanding.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Oh Adrianne I am SO sorry for their loss. And you are not cursed. It's a terrible thing that happened to you and now you're DH's friends.
I think Meghan had an awesome idea about checking out the Faith and Healing forum. And yes a card and even some food would be a really nice thing for them. I am sure it will be extra special coming from you because they know you truly know how they feel.
You're a good friend. No matter how close you are to them.
Oh Adrianne I am sorry for your dear friends loss. You are not cursed hun, but I will tell you that you are a very kind a sweet person to be concerned.
I love Saluki's idea of donating in their son's name. I didn't even know you could do that, but that is such a very sweet gift. Maybe donate to a lost pregnancy foundation of sort?
I'm sorry that their loss is a memory of yours, but I truely think that you would be a wonderful supporter for her since you have been there yourself. It may bring the two of you closer together and you may have a wonderful life long friend awaiting you.
Hugz to you and your dear friends Let us know how it goes and how they are doing.
__________________
"CysterNola"
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I have not failed, for I have just found 10,000 ways that didn't work." To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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My DH sent him an email and asked him if he would like for us to bring food tomorrow. I don't want to just drop it off because I don't even know if they will be there. In any case, we'll get them a card and write a nice note... maybe do a donation. Thanks to all who responded. I really appreciate the kind words. I hope that I will be as good of a support to her as all of you have been for me....
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I think that since I lost my first babies that I became more attuned to people who were suffering. I think this is where you get your feeling of being a curse. I think that now we just realize just how many people are suffering, too. Mourning your own loss also makes your feelings of empathy stronger. You are not a curse. You are a woman who's eyes are now open. There is a good thing about this, you can see what so many others can not. You may see more than you want. Certainly you often feel more than you want.
The heart doesn't have religious bandaries. I'm sure you will be a wonderful shoulder to lean on.
Adrianne - I have a "Handy Religion Answer Book" that I bought a few weeks ago on sale from Borders on a whim. I have the Hindu section opened up right now. Here are a few questions / answers from it:
"Do Hindus believe in angels?"
Nothing in Hindu lore coorresponds exactly to the spiritual beings known in some tradition as angels. But a host of lesser deities (called devatas) & spirits make up the entourages of many of the major deities. These versatile beings are often grouped in families whose mission is to do their deity's every bidding. Like the angels in some traditions, lesser deities fill the spiritual air around the major deities. In popular spirituality, devotees often consider the need to render an account to these divine vanguards nearly equal to their duties to the central deity, for the lesser deities preside over essential areas of life such as ferility, childbirth, and disease. Those that wield more positive energies have their darker counterparts that need to be appeased in order to hold evil at bay. Among the more common beings of this rank are the "door guardians" (dvarapalas) who keep undesirable elements out of temples and away from the shrines of the deities to whome they are assigned. Door guardians are often depicted w/iconographic clues very similar to those of their major deities.
Whew, that's long...
"How do Hindus deal ritually with death & mourning?"
This explains what happens when an adult passes away, but pays no mention to the loss of a yet-be-born or born-too-soon child.
Meghan, thanks so much for retyping that! I really appreciate reading the first answer. I don't know much about hinduism, but do you think that the first answer might give them some guilt? Like.. maybe the failed to appease some deities? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Laura, thanks for your comments. Your last sentence is very memorable. I will remember that when I am trying to give them comfort.
I don't know much about hinduism, but do you think that the first answer might give them some guilt? Like.. maybe the failed to appease some deities? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Oh boy, you have a good point. I don't know...
I think I'd go with a neutral card, maybe a donation in memory of the baby, and the offer to talk at any time, and leave religious beliefs out of it altogether.
I don't have much advice, but sweetie you are NOT a curse! A card would be nice, and just be there for her if for any reason she wants to talk. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you. Good Luck.
Suzie
__________________ DX April 17, 2002
"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."
Why does this keep happening??????? 
Let us know how it goes and how they are doing.
