Family, friends- the people you have close to you to bring you up, and be there for you.. WHY does everyone act like nothing happened? Do they really not care? I don't expect people to grieve for me, but before I was preg. when I heard of someone having a miscarriage I didn't ignore them, or act like it was just another Friday around them, you know what I mean?
3 of my DH's sisters knew I was pregnant AND when I had a m/c and NONE of them would have never said a word to me unless I brought it up, and it just seemed like asking me, "Oh ya, how are you doing" was just a programed responce.
I'm coming up to a month since my miscarriage, and it feels more emotional now, and I find I'm angry at everyone. My best friend (she's great and unfortunatly knows exactly what I'm feeling) tells me it's not me, they just don't want to set me off. But what would happen? Would I cry? - and would that be so bad, to let someone cry for a minute because finally someone took the time to find out how they are feeling???
I'm sorry, I think I just really needed to vent a little - thanks if you made it this far!
Nicole
__________________ My IVF Mircale has arrived! My baby boy - August 10, 2009
DSS - 8! I can't believe it! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My Angel - 12/08/2005
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I am very sorry for your loss. I was just thinking that maybe they do not know what to say. I too suffered a loss and I did have people to support me but others choose not to say anything. They probably think it is best not to bring it up to protect you and your feelings. I will keep you in my thoughts.
__________________ Brenna-28 DH-28 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3-Failed Clomid
1-Failed IUI
1st IVF -Failed
2nd IVF July 2003-Finally
DS born March 12, 2004 (35w2d)
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
There's a huge range of issues between people as far as why they don't mention these kinds of losses. Some don't really think there was anything lost. Some don't want to make you cry. Most simply don't know how to talk about it. I'm sorry it's like this, but everyone other than the parents generally just moves on and forgets. We will always be here for you, though. Hang in there. (((hugs))) It does get easier to bear over time.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
I am sorry you have to go thru this. I am still mad at my family and friends because not even my best friend understands. I have a huge family and my parents are the only ones that ever ask me how I am doing. I think that is probably why I come here with my issues because people here understand. So when you need to talk we are here.
In my logical thinking moments, I know that these people still love me and maybe they just don't know how or what to say. It's just very disappointing, because I want to talk about it and I just feel like I can't and I find that I am just getting more and more angry.
So I'll come here, where you all understand...
I never want to forget that I was pregnant, or lose the feeling that came with being pregnant. It was amazing, for the short time I felt it. I also want to feel the right amount for this, and live my life with happiness again. SO this is my trouble.
Thanks for listening, and to everyone who replied - thank you so much for your wisdom.
Sincerely,
Nicole
__________________ My IVF Mircale has arrived! My baby boy - August 10, 2009
DSS - 8! I can't believe it! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My Angel - 12/08/2005
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Nicole - First off, I want to say that I am very sorry you are going through this. I know how much you need your friends and family to be there for you and how much it hurts that they try to ignore it.
What I don't understand is the fact that some don't want to mention it for fear of upsetting us. Don't they realize that the baby we lost is ALWAYS on our minds? I also did not have support after my m/c. I found help by going to a support group and finding on-line support from other women that knew what I was feeling.
__________________ Janet (31) DH (41) ttc 7 years
Miscarriage 1/19/1999 at 10 weeks
Met ER 2000 mg daily HSG to be scheduled next cycle after af
Waiting on dh's SA results
Expecting to start Clomid after test results are in
You are healing more than you know! Be angry....I was soooo angry at the world...you have every stinkin' right to be mad as hell!
Now...as for people...it's funny...it's like miscarriage is a dirty word or taboo. I think it might be different if it was a death of a tangible person right there in front of them. Then the programmed response is "I'm sorry for your loss"....but to some people...specially older people...it's like they don't know what to say...like what is "appropriate"...
Now, I was probably one of those people before I had kids...My best friend had 4 m/cs...very early on...and I guess I never thought toooooo much of her grief other than "for that moment". Like she was sad that week or "that cycle" or something. After suffering and surviving my m/c....I sooooooo know how she must have felt. Matter of fact....I sent her a card saying how sorry I was that I didn't bring it up more...that I thought it was "over with"...little did I know that it's so not over with.
After I was mad at the world...I decided to keep the memory of my little one alive. I sent out thank you notes to those who came by, sent me cards/gifts.....talking about the m/c and the "baby" and all. That was cathartic in a way. I also started my willow tree angel collection.....I like that that collection is/was started by "my first baby". I still want to get an angel tatoo...wings or something....where no body sees it but me....maybe for my 40th b-day which is unfortunately only 5 years away!
AFter your anger is subsiding...I can't wait to see how you will remember your baby....I bet you'll have some fabulous things to tell us....
Holly
__________________ Me 38, Dh, 36,
DD, Katie Grace 4/8/03 she's 5 now!!
DS, Samuel Fenway...born 12/22/04, he's 4 now!
With Katie, tested ++++at 12dpo
13dpo: 428, 16dpo:1,903!!!
Born on April 8, 2003
8lbs, 6oz, 20 inches long
With Sam,4/12/04 beta= 131 at 8 or 11 dpo, p4 14.4
4/15/04 beta= 1,059 at 11 or 14 dpo
4/28/04=36,850 P4=35.2
There's a huge range of issues between people as far as why they don't mention these kinds of losses. Some don't really think there was anything lost. Some don't want to make you cry. Most simply don't know how to talk about it. I'm sorry it's like this, but everyone other than the parents generally just moves on and forgets. We will always be here for you, though. Hang in there. (((hugs))) It does get easier to bear over time.
I agree with this. It's unfortunate, but people either tend to avoid bringing the topic up. They think they will upset you (like it's not ALWAYS on our minds anyway, like you said) or it makes them uncomfortable.
Now I don't hesitate to talk about my babies in front of whomever I feel like talking about them in front of. (current PG mentioned here) For example, on Christmas Eve MIL said "I wonder what this baby is" and I said "I don't know. I wish I knew what my other three were too." I could tell she didn't like that at all...but I don't care. I will not forget my babies and as long as I'm alive, I won't avoid talking about them just to spare those who would rather forget.
My opinion is...if it makes you feel better to discuss your loss, then do so. Tell others you WANT to talk about it, that it helps you heal. It might just make them feel better about talking about it with you.
((Nikki)). My guess is that they either don't know what to say, not realizing that ANYTHING is better than silence, or that they're afraid bringing it up will hurt you somehow (as though you've forgotten).
Maybe you could tell the person in your family you're closest to how you're feeling...I'm sure word would get around that way. Or, you could just take every opportunity to talk about your little angel, even though it will cause awkward silences at first - eventually, they'll be more open.
Carey(31) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Paul(43)
Married 7-25-02
PCOS Diagnosed Nov 02'
Bi Polar Diagnosed Feb 08'
Current meds~ Lithium&Celexa
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. 4 furbabies To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I went through the exact same thing. I had to have my baby surgically removed at 10 weeks and stayed in the hosp. and 99% of the people in my life never said a word to me. It's been a year and I still get angry if I think about it. Miscarriage is obviously a topic that most people are uncomfortable with. It's too bad because it's so common you'd think it would be talked about more. I think we should all right to Oprah and get her to do a show about it. There are millions of women who could relate. Hang in there, and vent to us whenever you need to.
i don't know i just know its saddens me and what i feel is this, i talk about rebecca, and people tell me to get over it move on, its only beeen a month today i can't move on, and can't afford a theropist either, so what to i do.......the group i can get into is only on tuesdays......so well i work so what now wish i knew cause i need to understand why......
I really think that unless someone goes through what we have, they truly don't know what to say. After I lost Matthew, I surrounded myself with family, who unfortunately, had the experience of miscarriage/infant loss. There were a few women who did not have this experience, and i found their words of comfort a hard pill to swallow...saying things like "you can always have another child".."maybe now you can work on your weight, so that you can have a healthier pregnancy" Yes girls, that was said to me on the day I buried my son. So sometimes seeking consolement from people who have not experienced a loss, is not a good idea.
I also found this board to be a great sense of support for me. All of you women are so precious to me. You know what's in my head, given the words that I type. I am not sure if I could ever communicate that verbally to anyone else. We speak from the heart and through these wonderful women on this board, we can begin to heal.
We are here for you always!
__________________
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Diana - 36! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Diana- That's horrible, I can't believe the things people have the nerve to say.
My stepmom has said some horrible things, in my opinion. She said that Eric's with my grandmother. Now my grandma can take care of him. How does that help? She had her 8 kids, plus like a bazillion grandkids, why does she get mine? I wanted him!! More than anything!! Or, "You're young. You can have more." Just b/c I'm 23 doesn't mean I'm too young. We tried to get pregnant.
And no one on my mom's side has called either. I don't have long distance, so I can't call them. I shouldn't have to anyway. I'm always calling them, they never call me. My cousin is due at the same time I was, and I swear, if I get an invitation to her shower, someone's gonna hear something. No one has called me, and if the one time they actually contact me is for a baby shower, I'll flip.
This place, and others like it, are what are keeping me sane. I also see a shrink that I was going to before, and that helps.
My friend got mad b/c someone said something about him. We were at Walmart, and she was making copies of the pics we have of him, and the photo lady came up and made a comment about how small he was. Then she asked how much he weighed, and if he made it. Of course I started crying, and she got mad b/c the lady made me cry. She said she wished people would mind their own business, but it was all over the screen! I wish people would stop trying to make it better, b/c their ways just make it worse.
I want to get a star tattoo on my belly, b/c he was really high up on my right side, and I don't want to forget where he was. My DH might get stitches on his chest, b/c Eric's organs were on the outside, and he had a big "cut" from the back of his head, down the side of his neck, to his belly button.
Sorry about the rambly rant. Today is not a good day.
__________________ Molly
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
BFP 12/23/08 M/C at appr. 5-8 weeks-nothing on the u/s To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
diana 2 days after rebecca died i was told once you lose weight you will have a baby!!!!!!!!
and meagan I know your right so what I have been doing is talking about it with people one to let them know yes trish is ok she will be ok, and 2 tell them that yes there is times I have to talk about rebecca and yes it feels good.....just like i sent ballons up to heaven for rebecca.....that felt great then they got stuck in a tree,lol
Why doesn't anyone ask/talk about it?? 
