It was November 1998, and I'd just found out I was pregnant. I'd miscarried almost a year before, so I was so scared. Nervous and excited at the same time.
A week later my sister called and told me she was pregnant, too. We were almost exactly the same time along, and how exciting it was going to be that our kids would be days apart, growing and playing together! I still had no children and this was my sister's 3rd baby.
Because of my previous miscarriage I was anxiously awaiting the time when my first trimester was over, having been told that your chances of losing the baby dramatically decrease after that time. I'd been having some pain, and my doctor had put me on strict bed rest until the end of my first trimester.
I'd lay awake at night, dreaming of her face. Oh, I didn't know for sure if it was a girl but that's what my heart was telling me. The "magic date" came and went and I was released back to work. First trimester over! My sister and I went out to dinner to celebrate our pregnancies together.
Then it happened. 6am on 12-14-98. Blood. Cramps. I knew.
....and as my sister's pregnancy continued on, I resented her. Her third kid... where was mine? I watched her belly grow, watched the women in the family flutter around her and act like I wasn't even there. I sunk into the shadows.
Julie had Jacob 8-1-98, and guess who my family sent to the hospital to pick her up? You guessed it... ME. Her husband was a jerk, everyone else was "busy" so I got to go to the hospital where I should have been with my own newborn to pick up my sister and her son.
I love my nephew Jacob, but when I look at him -- this has been his whole life -- he is like a living, breathing reminder of what I should've had.
I have a son now, he's 18 months. I still feel he has two older siblings watching him from heaven.... and I still wish I could get past the pain when I look at Jake. Will this ever go away!?
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know there's nothing anyone can say to take that pain away. I just wanted to send you some BIG (((((HUGS))))).
__________________ Sandy-29. Single and actually liking it at the moment.
Mommy to a 70 pound lap dog, my big boxer baby Tyson and a 15 year old blind shih tzu.
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2003.
Medications include Lamictal 100 mg, Lexapro 20 mg, and Trazadone 150 mg for Bipolar Disorder. Starting Femcon Sept '08. Gotta get this big ugly PCOS monster back under control!
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I have been in this situation. My sister and I were due about a month apart. She had my niece in June and well, my son was stillborn in July at 9 months. Every time I see my niece, I think of my first son Dallas. It was hard at first...but it does get easier. I have another son now but I still have my days where I miss my first son. I hope it does get easier for you. I know how hard it is.
I'm sorry. It sounds like your family wasn't very sensitive toward you during all of this.
We all understand. I don't know if it ever gets easier, but I know that there are days I look at my friends' kids and my heart breaks, too.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Katrina, I can totally imagine how you feel. In fact, I was thinking today about how I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with seeing the pictures of all the April due-daters babies on here. I hate to even say it, because I don't want to take away anyone's joy. But I know that no matter where I go, whenever I see a baby/child that is Gabriel's age, I know that it will be difficult for me.
The shoulda-beens are soooo difficult to deal with.
As for having to pick your SIL up from the hospital, I would have flat-out refused and thrown a fit. Some people are either just plain stupid or just plain mean.
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
Gabriel born 19w5d 11/15/04 due to IC. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Thank you all so much for listening to me about this.
I know I should've spoken up about how I felt picking my sister up from the hospital, but man... my family. My mother is the one who took me to the hospital when my miscarriage started, and she stayed with me for a little bit that day. But for the most part, I was alone. The baby's dad -- this was before I met my husband -- had literally TAKEN OFF out of town when I told him I was preggers. Not that I cared. I didn't love him, and didn't need him and told him so. Guess no one would want to hang out after that, huh? But going through the m/c alone was hard. Afterwards was hard.... and my MOTHER. Her words of wisdom were, "You've been through this before. You should know how to manage your feelings. All your sisters have lost babies, stop acting like you're the only one to go through this..."
she's right, all my sisters have lost at least one baby and I am in NO WAY belittling their pain and loss. But I will say this --- all of them had at least one or two children at home before they ever had a miscarriage, and NONE of them had trouble getting pregnant. Like I said I am not belittling their loss, but when you think you're never going to have children and all you have are two that are gone, it is DIFFERENT. Heck both my miscarriages were totally different and I'm just one person.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all again for your kind words and support. I do love my nephew Jacob. I try not to think about the baby who should've been his cousin -- who I named Jaqueline Rose because, like I said, my heart was telling me I was having a girl. I won't tell how I came about picking the name Jackie Rose because you'll all think I'm a sentimental DORK.... but I know she and the baby I lost before her (who I call Adam) are looking out for us down here.
Sometimes I can take comfort in that, but not always. It's just nice to know there is support to be found.
Why my Nephew breaks my heart.... 
