Why is it we get grilled about choosing adoption?!?!?!

~Traci~ · 04-22-2007, 10:40 PM

Today we went to a friends church & the pastors wife asked us why we chose to adopt...

If I was pg, would she have asked why I chose to get pg?

1st: What business is it of hers as to why we're adopting?

2nd: What made her think to ask that the very 1st time she met us?

DH handled it ok... He pretty much told her it was personal & she was a little taken back by it. Not only that, we were sitting @ a table during lunch w/ 17 other people... Our friends are also adopting from China (the ones that invited us) & there were 2 other friend couples there that have adopted from China as well, don't know why she picked us to ask this to!?!?!

Unbelievable what people feel is right to ask someone when they know it's none of their business...

Although we liked the church, not sure if we'll return b/c of the grilling!

Juana Baby · 04-22-2007, 11:02 PM

Interesting situation. I am not sure why people ask questions such as that. It did not sound like you were being grilled, but then again, I wasn't there. Maybe its like the stupid question of "does your baby sleep through the night" Maybe that was the only thing she knew about that she could talk with you about. Maybe your friend had told her that you were adopting and she felt like that it was an opener for conversation.

laural

Miss-Meme · 04-23-2007, 07:42 AM

I think she was just trying to make conversation.

strawberree · 04-23-2007, 10:52 AM

i hear ya traci..im always asked "cant you have kids" or "why are u not adopting an american baby" ..like they would turn those around to a woman who was pregnant..its very old how people act and rude! i tell very few people anymore because of the comments

dna · 04-23-2007, 10:53 AM

Wait till you are home with her ! The questions get ruder and ruder ! LOL

I know you are feeling the overwhelming sadness from waiting for so long for your Aimee. A question such as that will seem like the most ridiculous, they are picking on us, why do they care, its none of their business !!!! kind of question. If you really like going there then keep going, maybe say "We have been waiting a long time for our daughter now and we are a little on edge if we could talk about something different"

Its extreemly hard to put things into perspective when your heart is on your sleeve.

~Traci~ · 04-23-2007, 01:10 PM

Thanks girls!

It's not like I felt we were getting grilled but there are so many AP's that get asked these VERY personal questions that are really none of peoples business. So my topic was just a general topic & I was using our situation yesterday as an example.

I know most pg women hate getting their stomachs touched & stuff but they don't get these very personal questions.

And yes, I think I'm getting very oversensative b/c of this long wait. I did make the comment (to the same person yesterday) that we've been waiting almost double the amt of time of a pg woman (that doesn't include paperchase & waiting for a log in date (LID)). She also made the comment that it must be easier for us to wait. I told her to just think about the anticipation of waiting for her child for double the time (I didn't even mention all the chocolate I've consumed in the past 2 years!?!?!?

)

I'm out w/ a close friend (& holding her daughter or pushing her stroller sometimes) when we get looks... In fact, it's funny b/c they look @ us & then give a really strange look back & forth (especially in the mall when we've passed the same person multiple times & we've been passing the baby back & forth) & then look @ us & the baby back & forth. No comments w/ us together yet but there is a HUGE china adoption community here (our group in just our local area-& local means about 10 cities around here b/c this state is so huge-has about 50 waiting families, not including the parents that are already home...there are multiple playgroups around here!).

mommavia · 05-06-2007, 11:54 AM

People don't realize it's none of their business, which I think makes it worse! If you were pregnant, strangers may come up to touch your belly and will ask crazy questions about the birth. Haven't been through that, only through my friends. And as some one else said, the questions do get ruder when your little one arrives. Because you have a conspicuous (sp?) family, strangers will ask you more and more questions. And some people are just plain curious why families choose to adopt internationally, they don't understand the ins and outs...and some people are thinking about adoption themselves. I try to ask them why they are interested. If it's because they are thinking about adoption themselves, they will gladly tell you that...if it's for their own curiosity, you'll know who much to tell them!

Cynthia

Gnzls924 · 05-31-2007, 08:52 PM

Education....you will find yourself educating more and more people about the lack of their manners when it comes to personal information. I quite frankly am glad that woman was taken aback by your husband's response. It was a totally inappropriate question for someone you hardly know to ask.

I've been reading all these books about adoption (as required for our homestudy) and you husband handled that question very well. It was a very good answer....it tells people that there are boundaries.

I have yet to tell my extended family that my husband and i are pursuing adoption. I already get the "Don't you want to have a baby?...How come you are not pursuing fertility treatments?" type questions...and if you look below, you can see what happened to me and my son over 2 years ago. my extended family is just so rude. I can only imagine the questions they are going to have regarding adoption. So I think I will tell them the week AFTER I finally bring my baby home.

Oomis · 06-01-2007, 03:50 PM

I totally see what you are saying Traci. We are not doing international adoption but foster adopt. I get things like "are you afraid of what you might get?"..."don't you want one of your own?"..."why can't you have your own?"...it never ends. Even before we started TTC or considered adoption I never imagined asking someone something so personal, even just to start conversation. I have even been asked what all we have "tried". All of these questions are from people I hardly know. The "you don't know what you are going to get" comment makes me the most angry. My reply is "you never know what you are going to give birth too either". Not all serial killers and rapists were adopted. What is wrong with people?

Sorry Traci. I didn't mean to start my own rant lol.

saluki_fan · 06-01-2007, 05:12 PM

Quote:

"..."don't you want one of your own?"..."

Pardon me for butting in here, since I don't usually post too much on this board, but my beef is when people don't realize that an adopted child IS "your own."

Am I wrong here?

Oomis · 06-01-2007, 05:31 PM

Saluki - you are exactly right and that has become my answer. I have gotten to the point where I don't sit there and nod my head anymore. I tell them our adopted child(ren) WILL BE MY CHILD(ren).

I got tickled one day because a lady from church was looking at me and then my step daughter and this continued for a minute and I knew it was coming. She goes..."I know she is your daughter but she looks nothing like you". I just looked at her and said "that is because I did not give birth to her". The look on her face was priceless and then another lady at the table leaned over and whispered "that is her step daughter". What if she had been my adopted daughter?

People amaze me.

3crazydogs · 06-01-2007, 05:55 PM

Quote:

I know she is your daughter but she looks nothing like you".

I never cease to be amazed by the ridiculous comments people make, about adoption, but everything in general really.
We were planning an adoption a while ago and put it on hold when I found out I was pregnant. Since I have had my son, I have gotten some really insensitive comments like 'It's so much better to have your own baby' and 'Just give up the idea of adoption, you have your own baby now.' UGH!

Oomis · 06-01-2007, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3crazydogs

II have gotten some really insensitive comments like 'It's so much better to have your own baby' and 'Just give up the idea of adoption, you have your own baby now.' UGH!

GOOD GRIEF!!!!!

I think we could all write a book!

ETA: I almost forgot to mention this one. When we told my Dh's uncle our plans to adopt he asked me if I was afraid my sister would become my parents favorite once she gave them a biological grandchild. I was like WHAT??? Then he proceeded to tell me that even though my parents would tell me that they love the biological one as much as the adopted one that they would be lying. Needless to say we do not speak to this uncle anymore. It is not because of that statement he made but as you can tell he is not the sharpest pencil in the box.

Lisa2008 · 06-01-2007, 07:19 PM

having adopted, and been pregnant, i would have to say stupid, insensitive people are everywhere, and they are not biased who they target. I have gotten rude comments like you have about choosing adoption, but i have also gotten equally invasive personal questions about pregnancy, about my weight, my choices for pain relief, it's endless.