Wondering!

Roobie · 06-29-2006, 12:49 PM

I've been thinking about this a bit lately, has your life changed a lot (good & bad) since you got married/partnered and/or had children?

Do you feel you lost a bit of yourself when you got married or lived with your significant other, or had your beautiful babes even though you gained so many things as well? What would you like some time to yourself to do?

One of the things I wonder about having children at my age now is how it will affect my life as I know it! I am quite used to doing whatever I want, whenever I want so it would be a huge change now. I don't think that's a bad thing, in fact I think I'd love it, lol, but I wouldn't mind hearing a bit about your lives as I contemplate it! Yes, I am having a mid life crisis...humour me okay!

Pale Pink Aura · 06-29-2006, 11:21 PM

I have to say that having children set off a BIG mid-life crisis for me (actually no, it was the fertility drugs I took and years of trying that set it off).

I can't say that marriage was anything of a shock or change for me. DH and I met when I was just starting 3rd year of uni (I did a 5 year degree). We'd declared undying love for each other before a month was up and I guess that is all we needed because marriage didn't happen for another five years. We moved in together after 9 months and that was initially a shock, but with a little bit of help from my mum (namely, pointing out that I'm a cranky bum first thing in the morning and that she always avoided me for at least 1/2 hour after I woke) it quickly became a really good thing. At the end of my degree he proposed and we bought a house together (same one we're in now). Two years later we got married (let's not rush these things!), 3 months after that I started on non-stop month after month fertility meds and two years later we conceived Jenna. Obviously having DH has changed my life, but my life was in a time of constant flux as it was, so it wasn't a huge shock (apart from the small initial move in one). There are hundreds of things I've learned about myself since seeing him though. He has been hugely crucial in a lot of whole shifts in the way I see the world. I was heading down the OCD path quite quickly before I met him and he above all, taught me to slow down, have fun and don't let so many things worry you. One of the sayings he taught me that I'll hold onto forever is 'will it matter in two years time? No? Then let it go'. Very good advice and it's changed me a lot.

Having kids - wow now THAT has thrown a huge bomb at me and exploded what I thought was 'me' into a thousand little bits that I'm trying to put together. Some days I succeed, some days I fail dismally (and don't you all know that!!) The whole infertility thing made me question myself hugely. I come from a highly successful professional background where I'd never failed at anything and all of a sudden I failed at the thing that at the time I felt was the most important thing in my life. If I could change the infertility I went through, would I? No way. It strengthened my marriage like you wouldn't believe. He was there through thick and thin, through lost babies, through all of the 'why's' and concreted something to the point that we know we can get really cranky at each other now and know that it'll pass and we'll be fine.

When we actually had Jenn that was another huge crisis in itself. With both of my pregnancies both my liver and thyroid started to fail, but with Jenn is was more than that, if it could fail it did and after six months of bedrest, multiple hospital admissions etc a baby unlike most was born. I know many have heard me allude to her, but all I can say is she has been my greatest teacher. I see anyone who causes conflict which makes me look at myself as my teacher and she has pushed me to learn and change my thinking more than anyone in my life and I've had many, many great teachers who've helped me to grow as a person. Some times, actually many, many times I've thought 'what have I done? Why did I do this to myself' - yes I've found motherhood challenging. HUGELY challenging. Would I change it if I had a chance and not do it? Of course not. My life would have been so much easier, but I wouldn't have been learning so much so quickly.

Since having her my thinking has changed so much that I've left behind a career that, although I was good at, no longer fit me. Now I'm about to embark on a new career and another six years of study and who knows where that will lead me. Without a strong daughter and a very supportive husband I wouldn't have made that change and I guess I'd be a completely different person today.

Anyway, sorry about the ramble. I'm looking forward to hearing what others have said.

Megan · 06-30-2006, 01:29 AM

There's a James Taylor song and part of it goes like this:

I've been wondering early and late
From New York city to the Golden Gate
And it don't look like
I'll ever stop my wondering

Now, I have taken liberties, because I am fairly sure he means "wandering", but hey, it works for me either way. Honestly Rhon, to answer your question would cost a few bottles of red, a warm corner in a beer garden and many hours spent in the comfort of good friends.

Marrying DH never rocked my world. We were teenage sweethearts and it just progressed from there. I think we have been together something like 23 years now. We get the occasional 7 year itch and there are times when I wish he would fall off the planet, but I have learned that this is normal, so I guess our marriage is fairly de rigeur. I still like him being there, although the dynamic of our relationship has changed as we have grown. He grounds me, as I am a lot like Deb - leaning towards OCD, lots of stress and anxiety. He is good for me except when I want to chop him into small pieces and feed him to the dog.

Having kids blew my world apart. Having struggled so long for a child, I never expected that realising the dream would shatter others. I am not even sure how to describe it. Suffice it to say, I went back for another child, so I must have pasted my life and dreams back together in some fashion. I need to reflect more before I respond to this thread. I need the right words to convey to you that there is nothing more rewarding than the touch of a tiny starfish hand on your cheek when your child wakes you in the morning, yet there are days when I have moments of startling regret about having kids.

Lemme ponder a while and I will try to get it into perspective for you.

Mid life crises - I am the queen of 'em!

M

Pale Pink Aura · 06-30-2006, 01:45 AM

"He is good for me except when I want to chop him into small pieces and feed him to the dog."

ROFLMAO! Aha! I can SO relate to that one!!!

Eva37 · 06-30-2006, 09:36 AM

hi

getting married wasnt all that much of a change. Once you get used to housework , cooking etc

But having a child is different, really rewarding, but different.
eva

Serene Tamborine Mummy · 07-01-2006, 12:21 PM

I have been thinking about this for a day or so now and I don't think that I can get how I feel down on 'paper', but here goes...

Rohan and I lived together for a few years before getting married and we lived life to the fullest and had a ball together before we actually got married and had kids. Getting married didn't change our relationship all that much, most of the changes had already happened I think. I think that sometimes I do feel that DH/marriage has changed me. I feel like since Rohan and I have been together, I have had to settle down and start being more responsible. It has changed me in a way that sometimes I don't like because I feel like I am always the one to say 'No, we can't afford that' or 'No we can't do that' and feel like I am the fun police. Having said that, Rohan is the only partner I have EVER let love me and I still can't believe that he could most of the time. I never thought that would happen. I was queen of not letting anyone get close to me because I knew they would eventually hurt me so I wouldn't ever get that attached. Poor ol Rohan just kept coming back for more, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been long gone. I was a total cold fish (emotionally) for the first twelve months or so. Now, I like how we are together. I like that we can read each other. I like that we can still have fun together. I like that he (finally) values my opinion. Now that we are parents, everytime I watch him with our boys, it makes me love him even more because he is a fantastic Daddy. For someone who can be really quite selfish, he is completely UNselfish when it comes to the kids. I adore him for that.

Now, the babies....being a mother I think is the only thing on this planet that could ever have been even better that I expected. I always knew that I wanted children and always felt like there was something wrong with me and that I may not be able to have a baby. I spent years yearning for a baby and thought about the love I would have for my child and even knew that it would be more than I could imagine, but now that I have them, it is even better than that! I don't want to spend a minute away from my babies. I even enjoy giving them cuddles in the middle of the night when they wake, because if I wake up, I want to get up and give them cuddles anyway and almost lay there wishing them to wake! Glutton for punishment aren't I? I love every second of being a mummy and don't miss my party days at all. I do look forward to them being a bit older so that I can run amok every now and then, but I don't wish a day away, I know this time will fly by and I can wait. Being a mum has changed my life for the better in every way. I am a nicer person. I am more patient and less selfish. Things that would have annoyed me before I don't care about any more. Deb, your DH's philosophy is the same as mine. If it won't affect me this time next week/month/year, it is not worth worrying about now. Being parents has also bought Rohan and I closer together, which is always a bonus!

The ONLY bad thing for me about having children is I REALLY miss my sleep!

I am guessing I will edit this a few times, but for now...I'm Donna Allan, and that was my story.

(I love The Castle)

Sapphire Spirit · 07-02-2006, 01:00 AM

I love this thread!!!! Love the honesty and insight.....
Hopefully I'll get back here with my own story soon.

Megan · 07-02-2006, 01:31 PM

OK, I'm back. I have to start by saying that this past weekend, DH has redeemed himself and he won't be dogfood this week. I ended up in hospital with a big bleed and a breaking heart and he was there, by my side, the whole ugly journey. Baby is OK for now, but I am off work for the week and it's a toss up who is plaguing me more - DH or the OB. I know they both care and that's nice.

And before I launch, isn't this a nice thread? I like the feel of it. I still reckon we are in a sunny corner of a beer garden, away from the noise of the crowd, armed with grog and time (which discounts entirely those of us who are gestating or lactating, but hey, this is a fantasy, right?).

Babies...lemme see. Nothing more precious. Smell like love. Generate a depth of emotion that no mere male can ever hope to achieve. Rock your world with a smile, rip your heart out with a tear, make your heart sing. I get where Donna is coming from. I can remember being so tired I wanted to cry myself into a coma, but when Kelly woke in the night, I would fight for the right to go to her. It's still a race to get to her if she wakes during the night. Now that I can't lift her, I want to more than ever. I get terrified that I won't always be able to remember her baby smell, her funny little expressions, all the things that come together to be Kelly. I shamelessly bury my face in her hair and inhale her smell regularly. I was only thinking this afternoon that really, even my baby's sh*t don't stink. That's motherhood. Of course it stinks, but not to my nose. I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world.

But, I would surrender her. My moments of regret regarding Kelly occur when I am tired or stressed. I get impatient and I snap at her - time to time I have even slapped her on the hand. I use a mean tone of voice. I reprimand her without it being necessary. I say things I regret later. Just tonight she was begging me to pick her up, just pestering and pestering me until finally I snapped at her "Oh, just give it a rest, Kelly, for chr*st's sake". What a nasty thing to say to a 20 month old child. I know Kelly would respond better to a mother who had more time, more patience and more maturity. She would thrive with a mother who was willing to soothe her through tantrums and to understand the quirks of toddlerhood. Instead, she's got me. I work, so we spend a lot of time in the car together. We sing like mad things and play clapping games, but other kids her age are probably playing at home with their mothers, learning about home life. Kelly goes to day care 3 days a week and when I collect her in the afternoon, I am tired. We often travel home in silence - Kelly looking out the window and me lost in thought. In the evenings, we play for an hour, we eat together, we bathe, then Dad puts her to bed, while I pass out on the lounge. Other mothers are reading to their babies and tucking them in. Because of my anxieties, I expect a lot of Kelly. She must be properly dressed at all times. Her toys must be put away at the end of each day. She must do 10 minutes of flash cards with me each night. She must say please and thank you and she must use her manners. Because I have so many hang ups and her health is a bit wonky, she rarely has lollies or treats like chips, ice cream, biscuits. Other mothers probably treat their little girls to an ice cream after they do the shopping together. I don't take Kelly shopping, as I don't think it's fair to expect her to behave while I shop. That also means we don't have an ice cream or a milkshake together afterwards. By having such ridiculous standards and expectations, I make parenting hard work and I set the bench very high for my little girl. I am all the things as a mother I didn't want to be. I am becoming my mother and I hate that. Kelly deserves better. She's a beaut kid. She makes me laugh every day. She showers me with kisses and spreads love like fairy dust wherever she goes. She is full of warmth and fun and she has this cold fish of a mother. Regrets? Yep, I've got 'em....I regret that I can't be a better Mum and it hits me pretty much every day.

Other regrets WRT kids? Nuh. Yeah, OK, they bugger up your sex life, they ruin your budget, they reinforce just how unfair the division of labour is between mothers and fathers, they throw your sleep patterns out the window, they soil your house and ruin your social life. They deprive you of latest release movies, restaurant meals, designer clothers, disposable income, private space, personal time. They make our fannies sore and our nipples bleed, our hormones insane, our hair fall out and our waistlines disappear. I only wish I hadn't left my run so late - I would have more, cursing myself for a fool every time.

Does that make any sense at all?

I have to go kiss my little girl.

Bright blessings

M

Serene Tamborine Mummy · 07-02-2006, 01:52 PM

Oh Megan, you poor thing. How scarey for you AGAIN. You are in my thoughts.x

Megan don't be so hard on yourself. I think all of us mummies have raised our voices at our child/children. I know I have and I think to myself afterwards, who is the child here?! I HATE it when I do that, but we have to remember, we are human too. I too have smacked Mackenzie (on the bottom or thigh) and I think more than anything, it breaks his heart - and I don't blame him. I TOTALLY regret it when I do do it. I sometimes have to walk away from him because he drives me up the wall. One thing I did read awhile ago and it has stuck in my head and I do this - after repremanding your child, have your gripe and then forgive and get on with it. I was grateful that I read this before Mackenzie got to the 'special' age he is now because I am, or used to be anyway, QUEEN of holding grudges and I didn't want to pass this on to my children. It is something that I hate about myself and being the primary carer, it would be so easy to pass on.

I look at my babies everyday and think, please try and remember this moment. Please remember that beautiful innocent smile, that beautiful gummy, slobbery kiss from Campbell. Please remember Mackenzie saying 'Muuuum, I la you up noo bak' (I love you up to the moon and back) Every time he says it I get teary. I can't believe in less than two years, Campbell will be the age Mackenzie is now. I need to savour every moment.

As for the sex life, well it has gotten even worse with two kids! I sometimes think about my brother and SIL, they have four children, and think do they even have a sex life?! Obviously they did at least four times

Movies, reasturants, I remember those things...one day.

Roobie · 07-02-2006, 02:15 PM

This beer garden is such a comfort to me, sitting at our usual table, with the sunshine warming us, I feel so blessed to know you all and that you have shared so much. Thankyou for sharing your strengths and your vulnerabilities of marriage and children, feel free to drop in and vent or cry or celebrate, or feel free to join us in a beer or two if you like.

As I wonder through the year that is my 39th, I have much to ponder after 18 years with my partner, and surviving the scars of child abuse and a dysfunctional family, and of living through infertility and pcos. Some of you will know much of the early part of my career was working with children and families, and it helped me to grow in my understanding of the all the joy that family can be. I feel so fortunate to have had that experience, and it warms my heart to learn of that joy from each of you.

For me, the act of the wedding did not much alter my life, as we were living together already. My dh came into my life quite by accident, and it still amazes me to this day that he finds something about me to love. We have ridden many a wave together, complete with full on dumpers into the sand. I won't say it has been easy, cos it hasn't been, but I am proud to have achieved the years together. (There's way more wondering to come from me yet, lol, but I'll depart for now on that little morsel).

Megan, don't be too hard on yourself, a mother like you who cares so much would have been just the thing for a kid like me.
Hope this week sees you healthy & well gorgeous girl.

Well, "TIME LADIES". Drink up.

Serene Tamborine Mummy · 07-03-2006, 12:44 AM

Cheers! I'll have another glass of Pink please.

sleepydumpling · 07-03-2006, 03:17 AM

Megan - sorry to hear about the bleed, hang in there sweetie and hatch this new baby ok.

This is a lovely thread by the way - I just found it and it's great to hear the openness you all share your stories.

K

Pale Pink Aura · 07-03-2006, 08:36 AM

Megan I'm so sorry to hear you've had yet another bleed - fingers crossed and hoping all's well with you both and that you don't have any more!! I agree you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Mothers come in all different forms and I think the major thing that matters is that you care and give her love, which you do in abundance. Geez I'm the queen of getting cranky at my kids and hubbie, but I am good at saying I'm sorry and making amends. I was reading in a book the other day that even the really good long lasting family's get it wrong 90% of the time. The thing that holds the good family's together is they know how to admit they were wrong and apologize and your kids and partners respect that in you. I know Jenna sure does. We go through the whole 'mummy you hurt my feelings' thing and talk it out and end up with hugs and cuddles, even if we have to agree to disagree on the topic.

Ahh yes, I'm enjoying this beer garden too, although I have to say I'm having a vodka, lime and soda as we speak because it's been a hard day.... Matt fell asleep in the car on the way home at lunch time and although he'd only been out for about 60 secs, he thought that was it, sleep time was over. Needless to say there's been many tears here this afternoon, but at a quarter to five, he's finally passed out for his lunch time sleep. Oh joy.

Speaking of joy, I've got my follow up appt with my doc on Thursday and I'm hanging for it to see what he can do with these whacky hormones and stuffed thyroid of mine. God dang this has been a nasty af this one. Completely exhausted and cranky as hell for a week (usually I'm blessed with only one day of PMS). Now the heavy af has started and knocked me for a six and I'm STUFFED. DH has narrowly escaped becoming dogmeat himself this week (there are some blessings with him working so much!). Blah. And sex life. What sex life? I survived one child with a libido still in tact, and even the first two or three months of Matt's life, but now. Nope, nothing. I have just discovered that's because my oestrogen is low though, so maybe with a bit of help I'll get that back. As my acupuncturist pointed out when I said 'I don't care if I don't have a libido', a healthy libido does lead to all those wonderful endorphins and I had to agree, I could use some of those right now!

Hmmm. Might come back later. I need another drink.

Roobie · 07-03-2006, 09:03 AM

A pink, and a vodka, lime and soda comin' up!

Megan · 07-03-2006, 11:49 AM

Rhon, while you're behind the bar, pass out a bottle of bourbon please. Since we are fantasy drinking, I am going to fantasy get shattered drunk. I need a release.
Thanks guys for all your good wishes with the baby. It's a scary time. I have had time to reflect and some things seem better, some worse. The cold fact is that if this baby arrives in the next three weeks, it won't survive. Fairly confronting stuff.

That said, the OB seems to be of the view that we aren't facing that scenario just yet. My cervix is still fine (oh the joys of an internal when you are bleeding and seized shut with fear) and the blood was apparently old. I dunno, it looked pretty red streaming down my thighs. He says though that it WAS old, which he finds reassuring. The baby is showing no signs of distress (unlike its mother) and the heartbeat remains strong and regular. We knew all along that the placenta was very low and the OB is of the view that this is most likely a placental bleed. He has sent away swabs to look for infection and I have to go back later this week. After that, he wants to see me every 3 weeks, regardless of how routine the rest of the pregnancy might be. He will start growth scans on the baby at 24 weeks to ensure it is growing on target and will monitor my health closely from here on. He's a good OB and we both trust him. Amidst all the terror, DH got to hear the baby's heartbeat yesterday and he was really pleased with that. If I don't feel the baby every day, he wants me to call, which tells me he is taking notice, as many women at this stage of a pregnancy don't feel the baby for days on end. He has even encouraged me to drink sugary stuff to kick it into action if I am worried that things are too quiet. So far, so good - it is still moshing away in there.

I can see this is going to be a repeat of Kelly. She was delivered early for growth retardation. I only got my c-section date last Wednesday and yesterday the OB told me to kiss that one goodbye. We are aiming for 35 weeks as a goal. If I can make it that far, he will deliver, without hesitation. Part of me wants to get out the bassinette and start cleaning it up - after all, 35 weeks is only 12 weeks away, really. Part of me is too scared - what could be more desolate than an empty cradle and an empty heart? So, I spend a lot of time sitting. I just hope with all my heart that we can make that 35 week goal. I'll be good, I promise - just let us get that far.

Perhaps this is a means of catharsis - I needed to let it out. Poor DH is rigid with fear, trying to be strong, so I don't want to unload on him. Seems you guys copped it instead.

And you know, despite all that bourbon, I am barely even shickered. At least I can still hold my grog!!

Tell you what, you guys keep boozing and chatting - I am going to have a snooze on the grass over there in that sunny corner. Wake me when the shade is on me, OK?

Thanks

M