Jelli -
I don't have all the answers, and to be honest I don't think they exist.
My story is pretty similar to yours. Hubby and I have been married since Oct 2000 - and trying for a baby since then. We did rounds of fertility meds, anything we could afford, and some we could not. I'd been trying to lose weight since I was 13 (I weighed 210 pounds then) and never got anywhere. Finally had gastric bypass surgery - the main reason was in hopes of getting pregnant. Lost 40 pounds and AF showed up all by herself the first time ever, and then like clockwork.
We got our first and only BFP on March 6 this year. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I still remember holding the test my hand shaking so bad - I'd never had a test with TWO lines. Hubby came in and we cried together.
I used to believe that with as much trouble as we went through to get pregnant there was no way we'd lose a baby. God wouldn't do that to us. On July 4th at 22 weeks we lost our son Christopher to incompetent cervix. It really sucked because it wasn't until 20 weeks that I felt safe enough to write the due date countdown on calendars and stuff.
I was this blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I didn't complain about the morning sickness, I didn't complain about being tired, or dizzy, or anything. I was told I was the happiest pregnant woman people knew. I didn't have it in me to be miserable when a dream was finally coming true. That innocence was ripped away from me, and I can't have it back.
I've had all sorts of thoughts go through my head. So many things. I thought of divorcing my husband, getting nasty to him, so he would leave me and go find a wife that could give him the children he deserves. I wondered if this was God's way of telling me I'm not meant to have children. Was this His way of saying getting that baby was a mistake, that I wasn't good enough. I've wondered what sins I committed to deserve this. There were (and sometimes) are still times I wish I'd gone with Christopher because it wouldn't hurt so much. If I were with him I'd get to see his smile, and know what color his eyes were. I figured I should have known something was wrong. It was essentially my body that wouldn't hold our Christopher in, and my body that let him down. It was me, and my body that saw the greatest joy in my husbands life become our worse nightmare. If he had married anyone but me he would have a dozen kids running around. I can think of no greater gift than being able to look at a baby and know that it's part me, and part my husband. I wonder why even I can't do the thing that everyone else in the world apparently can do. I know they can all do it because I see pregnant women and new babies everywhere.
I still blame me sometimes. I still yell at God for it sometimes too.
The one thing that has helped me through this is knowing that there is a reason for all things. I hope I don't offend you, but my walk with God has helped me through this in so many ways.
I know that God will not give me a burden too heavy to carry, and if He does He'll carry me and that burden. I know this because I know I don't have the strength in me to have gone through what I have. It was the prayers of friends, the help of those around me, and the love of my family and God that got me here, able to smile again.
I've also learned that it's okay to be pissed off at God. He gets it, He knows it, and He forgives us for it. The hard thing for me was forgiving myself. Still is sometimes.
I also know that sometimes God isn't saying "no", or "never". Sometimes He's just saying "wait" or "not yet". Sometimes God is trying to prepare you, sometimes He is trying to teach you, and sometimes He is using you for a purpose you will never know.
I already know that my loss had helped many. I wrote a post awhile ago titled "How It Feels..." posted it here and on another forum and just the thanks for that means losing our Christopher had a purpose if it was only to write and share that letter.
Remember that sometimes our bodies know things we don't. Sometimes babies are made that aren't meant to make it. It's a sad, cruel thing, but sometimes it's true. We never know why our babies were taken from us, and I can't see anything that justifies losing a child, but it happens. We would love our babies no matter what, but sometimes our bodies know that something is wrong when we don't.
When the doctors told me we had to induce due to infection I didn't want to. I told them I would die if it meant Christopher would live. They told me that wasn't an option. It was Christopher dying, or both of us dying. The choice wasn't given to pick, sometimes that choice is out of our hands. We don't always get to pick our battles, sometimes they are fought before we even know they began.
Your baby changed your life, my life was changed the moment I saw my BFP. I had years of dreams for this baby. Years of stored up love to share, years of wanting and needing that baby. Cry for your baby, love your husband, love your baby and forgive you.
People are going to say things that are going to hurt. I can't believe the number of times I've heard "at least you can get pregnant now", or "at least you didn't know the baby", or "there's always the next baby". I will always miss, and love, and long for my Christopher. The good news is I have a God that promises I'll see him one day, and finally know what color Chris' eyes are. A new baby won't take away the emptiness of losing our Chris, ever. I knew people mean well, but there are times i'm dumbfounded by them.
I hope this isn't to preachy to you... I just write what I feel. I hope something in here helps. Feel free to PM me if you want, or don't want.
and know that there are people out there for you. No one will know your exact pain, but some can slightly understand. If nothing else know that I'm thinking of you.
*hugs*
The worst birthday ever 
