writing an article, need some opinions

Ceesmum · 02-09-2005, 09:10 PM

Hi Ladies,
I had a missed abortion and d&c last month @ abt. 8.5 weeks. Dh and I had been trying for 9 months. The hardest part of my recovery has been my intense anger @ friends and family. They all knew how we had struggled to get pregnant. After m/c almost none of our family and friends called wrote or anything. They all acted like nothing happened. We got a few e-mails, most more than a week after. I sat home after my d&c for a week with no contact, no sympathy from the majority of those close to us. Other than our parents. I know ot's because people don't know what to say, but to say nothing at all is heartless. I want to write an article for my local paper about how people react to miscarriage. It is so seldom talked about and our feelings as parents of lost babies are so misunderstood. I don't want to be angry. If my elderly grandmother died people woulfd have been rallying around us. When our longed for baby died we were left to grieve on our own. Not to mention the insensitive, but well meant things people say if they say anything at all. I want to know how many of you experienced feelings of anger and isolation. I wonder if this is typical. Did you all feel alone and ignored? If something good can come out of what happened, then I will feel better. I am determined to do what I can to prevent other women from having this happen. If I can do a little to educate the public about the sorrow of miscarriage and how to help someone go through it then I will. I appreciate any feedback you ladies can give me. Thanks,
AllieK

ReneeBeth · 02-10-2005, 12:57 AM

I didn't have a m/c, I had a baby...preterm...he was born alive, and lived for 2 hours. I held him, kissed him...everything.
We got cards from people, but no phone calls. No visitors. Nobody even asked about the funeral, my mom and step-dad paid and arranged it, so they were there with hubby and I.
People then kept on asking me when I will start getting out of the house. I just didn't go anywhere or do anything for a few months after. I kept telling them it's hard to go out and see women who are pregnant and with babies, and not break down and cry.
Yeah, they still refuse to talk about my son, ever. If i ever mention him, they actually get offended!

I'm done...I can't talk anymore...getting mad...can't handle stress right now.
Cuz of their ****ty reaction to my whole last pregnancy and loss, I can't even imagine when I'll be able to tell my family about being pg again. Maybe I'll tell them when the baby comes out

SheriKCMO · 02-10-2005, 01:56 PM

Alli,
I'm very sorry for your loss. There is a lot about the grief process that is isolating, regardless of whom we grieve. I think it's simply because no one can do the work of grief for us, we just have to do it and work through our feelings ourselves. It does help to know that people care about us and wish they could help and "do something" for us, and I was fortunate to have this love around me. Part of it had to do with our type of loss. The early ones that no one can actually see are hard for people to accept as important people in the family or world. We as parents will always bear the brunt of the grief, but support really helps. I also find that talking with other people who have experienced losses is more helpful than anything else.
Good luck with the article,
Sheri

*Clarissa* · 02-10-2005, 02:18 PM

First I am very sorry about your loss.

Seems to me that people need to be a little more sensitive to what we go through. I ordered free liturature from the March of Dimes, which included information for family and friends. But I didn't want to just go and give it to them. I would have felt like I was begging for their sympathy.

For my D&C my parents wanted to come to the hospitol, but I didn't want anyone there but me and dh. My mom and sister did come to see me after both losses. BUT . . .

My cousin had lost a baby due to PTL and other heart complications that the baby had. Everyone rallied around her. My parents even paid for the funeral and headstone. Everyone in the family went to the services. For Christmas that year my mom bought her an angel holding a baby. It was very beautiful. But my green-eyed monstor took over after I had my D&C and m/s when noone did anything or even said anything to show that they recognized that we had lost a baby. Yes my mom and sister did visit, but that is it, and they stayed for a whole 5 minutes. Then Christmas came and went, nothing.

I am not saying that those that held their babies don't suffer more. I have never experienced that so I cannot compare the two. But I do know for a fact that I felt like I lost 2 children, not just 2 pregnancies. Everytime I look at my son, I think about what they would have been lilke. I think about them everyday.

Basically I got more support here on sc than anywhere else. I feel that my cysters here understand more, even the one's that haven't had any losses, just because they know the struggle that we go through to even get pregnant.

VivC · 02-11-2005, 02:18 PM

My little guy was born with a massive infection at 24W5D. If he hadn't been infected, he might have lived.

Only one friend bothered to stay in touch. Even though our conversations were awkward and I cried a lot, she was a touchstone to the real world. My brother handled Rivi's death very badly - he still can't talk about him without crying. DH and I went through the hell of IC/rescue cerclage/PTL/PROM together, then we fell apart (having a lot of problems). My Mom has been great about everything - she talks about Rivi on a regular basis, and it makes me feel better to know that he was real to somebody other than DH and I.

My other friends, as I said, didn't even try to stay in touch. No cards, no flowers, no phone calls. When I ran into one male friend, he hugged me, asked how I was doing, then held me while I cried. But he hasn't tried to stay in touch, either (maybe my tears freaked him out).

For the most part, EVERYONE freaks out when I talk about Rivi. But I refuse to pretend he didn't exist just to make them more comfortable. I started a new job a few months after he died, and a few of the people here have been very supportive when I told them what happened. But I can't talk to them about it - they wouldn't understand, and it's a depressing subject.

My cysters here always understand, though.

GabrielsMom · 02-11-2005, 03:30 PM

Fortunately, I have been mostly blessed in this regard. However, I do have one friend that hasn't said a word to me, in email, mail, or by phone, since my baby was born and died. I even sent her an email at christmas to ask for her address (I lost it), as I wanted to send her a card. She never even replied. I don't know what her issue is, but it really hurts. I guess I should be glad that not everyone is doing this to me. How horrible!

Gnzls924 · 02-15-2005, 04:18 PM

I guess I may be different. In the beginning, I told my immediate family that I did not want to speak to anyone outside of our immediate circle. So they pretty much left me alone, up until funeral services were held for my Matthew a few days later. During those services , it was a small and select few family members that where in attendence (about 25)....basically the older folks (aunts and uncles) and my sisters and some of my close co-workers.

Then there were some of my cousins, who i thought were close to me, that didn't so much as pick up the phone to congratulate me when i found out i was pregnant. So why did I want to hear from them now...not that they made any attempt to call after. I have yet to hear from them...but that day is coming and God give me strength when i see them face to face!

Little by little I am working myself back into my family. Sometimes I don't see these people for weeks or months at a time. But one thing that gets on my nerves, is their attempts to go back to the week when I lost my baby. I find that in my grief process, I am much more further. I can talk about my baby without breaking down. I can marvel in the wonderful gift he truly was. I can tell people that only God knows why he does these things. Don't get me wrong, i still cry for my son...but it's no where near the intensity of the day, the week, the month, that we lost him.

But I am so sick and tired of hearing how sorry they are, or the grave looks of pity. And i am completely sick and tired of hearing how they say I can try again and have another one. Like getting pregnant is that easy!! I just smile with the tears in my eyes and ask them to change the subject. So at that point, they feel by following my request, that they are doing something good by getting my mind off of it. It's like a double edge sword...In their minds, 'i am consoling you, but i am also bringing back those feelings and i want you to feel as bad as I think you should because after all, I am giving you my condolences."

I just want to be able to enter a room, and not have everyone feel sorry for me...i am trying to move ahead....so follow my lead!

So becareful what you long for, you just might get it, and get too much of it.

thing1 · 02-16-2005, 03:40 PM

I had early m/c's.

My problem is that I have a lot of liberal friends who think my babies weren't actually babies yet. Apparently there is some magical age in the womb where the "ball of cells" (Michael J. Fox's words, not mine) becomes a baby. Please let me know if you figure that one out. I thought a baby was created at conception.

Ceesmum · 02-16-2005, 03:42 PM

Thanks for all of your input ladies. I am working on my article and will post it here when I am done!
Allie

Tetley · 02-28-2005, 12:09 PM

Allie

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss and people's reaction to it. I was regularly gobsmacked by what people said to me.

Bizarre - two friends knew what was happening but turned up to visit me WHEN I WAS LOSING MY BABY. Not be with me through it - just pop in with a bunch of grapes for a chat. The stunned midwife asked them if they would consider doing the same if I was in the middle of an operation? Just where were they making the distinction that this wasn't as serious or as highly inappropriate?

Mercenary. Work was distressing. The office troll ***** drama vampire from hell took against me mainly because I wasn't telling her what was going on. I didn't want her getting her kicks about my girl. She instigated the cut in my wages that forced me back to work too soon. She made sure the letter telling me was written on the day I was in hospital so that I would get it on returning home. Since then, every opportunity snide comments are made... babies/ little girls regularly get dragged into my office, "oh I just didn't think about what I was doing until I saw how upset you were." Yeah ..... right. Even when i got a bonus at Christmas I was told "it would have been more if I hadn't been off so much". Complain about her? The sun shines out of her lardy old saggy butt. She can do no wrong. None too suprisingly, I am trying to find another job.

Insensitive. I did get the "it was probably for the best" from some bloke I hardly knew. I also had the "it's not a proper baby unless it's gone full term". I think they thought telling me I was making an uneccessary fuss, that she wasn't a "real" baby, was a kindness, that I would realise how foolish I was being and snap right out of my completely unecessary grief.

More Mercenary. The funeral director kept on saying what a great opportunity my daughter's death was for him to promote his firm to the hospital for similar business.

Thankfully there were supportive friends who were great. I wish I had known I had PCOS when I lost my daughter, because the support here at SC is just brilliant.

Good luck with the article and I hope things turn a corner for you.

Tetley x