Are You Dealing With A Loss And Over 35?

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-08-2005, 09:59 PM

I'm reaching out to those of us who may be counting down our fertile years and have experienced a pregnancy loss. This can be especially hard for those of us over 35. We have special concerns, maybe we are not able to have another pregnancy. Maybe, you are not planing to try again. Maybe you do plan to try again because you know your clock will soon stop. Whatever your situation, please share with us. I'm hoping we can support each other. Please post here with rants, questions, concerns or whatever is on your mind about this topic.
The idea for this thread came about after reading posts on another board. Some of the women there thought women over 35 should not even try to get pregnant

It made me wonder if there were others who felt this way as well. I realized that I would never get the support I needed on that board. I thought I would try here on SC and see if there were other women over 35 who were interested in supporting their Cysters during a time like this.

Just a little background on me; I just turned 40, I suffered my third pregnancy loss in 16 months back on October 15th. I want so much to have a baby of my own but, I'm really skeptical now since my 2nd and 3rd baby both had Down Syndrome.

saluki_fan · 11-08-2005, 11:19 PM

Gina - I'm not over 35 (I'll be 33 in February) - but saw your comment that your 3rd baby had Down's Syndrome. Did the testing come back? Were you able to find out the gender?

This is a great idea for a thread topic, by the way. Kudos to you for starting it.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-08-2005, 11:43 PM

Thanks Meghan,
Yes, the pathology report came back, and my daughter Skyler had Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome).

saluki_fan · 11-08-2005, 11:49 PM

to you, in memory of your daughter Skyler.

Mibell · 11-09-2005, 02:59 AM

Gina--I'll be 39 next week, and I think I know how you feel. After 2 m/c in the last 6 months (and losing my father) I'm not sure I'm ready to try again, but I feel like I can't wait to heal like someone who is younger. I feel so blessed that after so many years of trying, I was able to finally get pg, but time is running out! AND the risk of m/c and Down Syndrome and everything else increases with age. So I do feel a lot of pressure. But I don't feel old, just like I have to hurry.

I am so sorry for the loss of your 3 angel babies (and your fur baby!). Are you actively TTC?

Michelle

AvivaElona · 11-09-2005, 04:20 AM

I'm 38, we have one living child (after our loss) I feel blessed to have him but I'd like to have another and we are running out of time. However, since I will have to have a cerclage and be on at least partial bedrest I feel like it may not be possible to do until my baby is older, at which point I will also be older and perhaps time will have run out. It sucks but what can I do but wait and hope that it will be ok still when we are ready. Good thread though, not to diminish the worries and fears of our younger sisters, but I do think infertility and loss take on an extra dimension when you know time is running out. As for people who think those over 35 shouldn't even try...well this is a family site and the words I have aren't appropriate.

Aviva

SheriKCMO · 11-09-2005, 05:34 AM

I'm about to turn 36, and I sure did think that my family would (should?) be complete before I was 35... but our loss really changed the way things happened. And of course the 22 months of trying for #1. The whole thing has certainly changed my perception of when it's appropriate for Brad and me to have kids... other people's choices are certainly their own business and should be regarded as such by everyone. Shame on those other people for suggesting they know better.

I felt rushed to get the babies all taken care of quickly because of age, and I feel very fortunate that I have been able to do that... but I have heard very good advice about waiting a year after a loss before conceiving again and wish that I had taken that time. Pregnancy so soon was very emotional.

There's another reason why I think this thread was a good idea. I DO NOT want to sound high and mighty in any way, but let's face it. We usually mature as we age and respond to life events differently. They have a different meaning, and often it is a deeper meaning than what we might have felt at an earlier age. I know we were all profoundly changed by our losses, but I do think that it matters at what point in our maturity they happen. Thoughts?

I wish you all the families that you dream of.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-09-2005, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SheriKCMO

...I felt rushed to get the babies all taken care of quickly because of age, and I feel very fortunate that I have been able to do that... but I have heard very good advice about waiting a year after a loss before conceiving again and wish that I had taken that time. Pregnancy so soon was very emotional.

There's another reason why I think this thread was a good idea. I DO NOT want to sound high and mighty in any way, but let's face it. We usually mature as we age and respond to life events differently. They have a different meaning, and often it is a deeper meaning than what we might have felt at an earlier age. I know we were all profoundly changed by our losses, but I do think that it matters at what point in our maturity they happen. Thoughts?

I wish you all the families that you dream of.

Sheri, I feel rushed as well, because of my age. I've had three losses, and if I was younger, I would wait for a little while before even thinkng about trying again. Then there's the whole PCOS mess ARRRGGGHHH! I feel like it's all on me. These are decisions that no one else has to make. Not even DH. He is such a sweetheart but, he keeps telling me that whatever I want to do is fine with him. I've explained to him that if our next baby survives the first trimester it very well could have Down Syndrome. I've asked him to think long and hard about that. I've been lookiing into local March of Dimes and Special Olympics events in my area. I'd like for DH and I to volunteer so he can spend some time with children and adults with DS and get a feel for what things would be like. This would also honor our two babies because if they were alive we would be attending these events.

Sheri, I think that as we age, we are better able to handle the challenges of parenthood. We also see the sheer joy in things that you just don't notice when you are younger. After living with PCOS, and thinking I would nver conceive, after conceiving again after a loss, and again after a loss. After watching people close to me die from cancer and HIV, after experiencing all kinds of loss, I truly value life now. I now know that nothing should be taken for granted. I know that I would be a much better parent now than I would have been in my twenties.

Gina

kwannabee · 11-09-2005, 06:01 PM

I've struggled with the knowledge that i probably wouldnt have children since my doctor told me at 15 i had pcos...now I'm 37...I'm actually greiving the ttc phase of my life...its been one struggle and heartache after another...but itsover

and we just cant afford the fertility treatments anymore, emotionally or financially... I do however have the joy of being a mommie to 4 biological children and one dsd...so it was worth the effort. my last three babies were born after i turned 35...and all were just perfect. My first son was born premature at 30 weeks but even after he dealt with all the issues of prematurity he's a happy healthy little boy...I lost aimee and dana cuz of my stupid cervix...but they themselves were just fine and growing normally. When it came time to ttc again after the obvious trauma of my loss it took a while for my own husband to get over the idea that i was too old. He was just worried in general...about everything...but he eventually came around. And when we did get pregnant again we put our lives on hold but Logan is here and doing wonderfully... This '35 year old limit' is so old news...but people really cant let go of the idea that your fertility is up at 35. My doc said the over 35 age range for pregnancy is now the 2nd highest age group for pregancy in general...and told me not to worry.

But i would say without hesitation that if my body suddenly without warning gave me an oops pregnancy i would be ecstatic...even at 40+!!!! With Logan i definatly felt pressure to succeed...cuz it was my last go at the rodeo...and to be honest i felt like mother nature pulled me into the mud and i was going to show her who was boss

Id read something that jumped out at me and i never forgot it...it was a book called The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis...and she said "it takes 100 days to grow a good egg" that just about knocked me out of my chair!!! But its so true!! I think its the time before conception thats just as important...and i've never taken such good care of my body as when i was preparing ttc...you have a pool of eggs waiting to be put to work...when your brain decides which one its going to be you want it to have a good stash to draw from kwim????

Losing a baby is the most heartwrenching thing a human can go through...i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

I so wish that all of you still hoping have the strength to keep trying...good luck to you all!

DianeJ · 11-10-2005, 01:49 AM

I'm 38 and still hopeful.

to those who say you have to be under 35. I know many women who have had children when they were 35 or over. My Mom had my sisters and brother by the time she was 29. I came along when she was my age.

I've been married for 17 years and trying ever since, although with medical help sporadically since 1996. Unfortunately, between DH being gone a lot (he's in the Navy), moving and having to start over with new doctors, then my wacky cycles and not being dx until 2001...well, here I am now with my very first positive and loss in September of this year. Originally DH asked me that if we weren't pg by the time I was 40, if we could stop then. He had it in his head that there would be a higher risk for both me and baby. But I think he's starting to rethink the age thing. It's something we're going to have to talk about again sometime next year after I turn 39. Hopefully, we'll have one on the way by then.

I'm going to see a hematologist in 2 weeks. I really can't explain how upset I am right now, that all these years my platelets have been coming back high and no one thought to mention it might be because of a clotting disorder. Nevermind that I asked what it meant and was told I was fine by various doctors. My current GP is the one who referred me (she's so thorough about things; she's wonderful!). I let my IF doc know and he mentioned I could be +APA (I think that's the one). I don't want to have something else wrong with me, but I kind of do - it would answer so much.

Anyway, I just can't seem to give up hope yet. I really believe it's more of an individual decision based on many other things besides age, like emotional and physical well-being, finances, etc. IMO, age is the least of the factors.

Good luck to us all!

saluki_fan · 11-10-2005, 03:21 AM

Quote:

I let my IF doc know and he mentioned I could be +APA (I think that's the one).

Diane - I have this (positive for APA, or antiphospholipid antibodies) - please get tested for it asap, as it may have an affect on your FET outcome if you aren't on heparin at the time of the transfer...APA is often a reason of "unexplained infertility." In my case, it caused repeated miscarriages, one at 10 weeks and the other two at 4.5 weeks.

Also I wanted to let you all know that I thought of something today. My MIL had my SIL at either age 40 or 41, 18 years ago before genetic counseling was really an option. MIL said they didn't do ultrasounds back then, although they did do an amnio on her while she was PG with SIL. Anyway, SIL just turned 18 on Sunday. She is a beautiful girl, healthy, smart as a whip and artistic and athletic. There is not one thing "wrong" with her (other than her being spoiled and feeling entitled - which is a product of her upbringing and not her genetics) and I just wanted to tell you that to spread some hope.

AvivaElona · 11-10-2005, 05:19 AM

Nothing to add right now, just wanted to subscribe.

SheriKCMO · 11-10-2005, 07:26 AM

gina, i wasn't aware before this thread that you hd found out skyler's gender. ((hugs)) and i am very proud of you and your dh for looking into involvement with down's kids or special olympics or the like. that would be a beautiful way to honor your lost babies and be sure about forging ahead with ttc. it reminded me of our talk about genetic testing with my doc. i told him that regardless of the baby's condition, i was a hundred percent invested in going to term, getting the cerclage, whatever it took. because of losing mary catherine, my 'worst case scenario' had changed dramatically. as long as he/she breathed, i would be happy. a disabled child was much better than a buried child.

i'm sorry that so many loving women around here have terribly long and painful journeys to hold a healthy child in their arms!

DianeJ · 11-10-2005, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SheriKCMO

a disabled child was much better than a buried child.

i'm sorry that so many loving women around here have terribly long and painful journeys to hold a healthy child in their arms!

Oh, definitely!! ITA! My heart breaks when I hear of or read on other boards of women who are terminating their pregnancies because of something like Down's. From personal experience, I find Down's children a joy to be around. Yes, it can be hard work. But just think of the rewards.

Gina - what a wonderful idea to get involved with those events! They can be SO much fun too!

saluki fan - thanks! I'm so sorry for your losses. Glad to hear they found out why for you. I'm definitely going to be bringing up the fertility and m/c angle at my appointment, that I would like to be tested for anything and everything available. I definitely don't want to go through this again (who does?). I'd rather have the tests run first and not risk losing my 3 blasts when I could take some sort of preventive measures. If there's some sort of immune or clotting problem, I'd like to know beforehand.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-10-2005, 04:25 PM

Thanks Ladies,
For the support especially. As the days go on and I talk with DH more, I think we will try again. I guess, right now, I looking for the courage.