Sorry for the major whine-fest here, but I am now officially unhinged. Yes officially... that was actually my psychiatrist's "diagnosis" when I saw him yesterday. He has an odd sense of humor!
I cried, no BAWLED, in his office yesterday during my appointment. Now if you've read other threads where emotions are discussed, you might know I don't display them; particularly negative ones (besides anger). Usually when I see him it's fifteen minutes of "So how are you?" and jokes. As soon as I slumped in yesterday he said, "So, you're down". Yes, yes indeed. You see my Social Security Disability is being reviewed, which is normally no big deal, but this time I have satan herself as my caseworker. This woman is full on EVIL!! She lies. She made my mother cry when she called once, she was so nasty. She lied to her, too. She keeps chanting about how I am in grave danger of losing my benefits because of documents that I or my doctors haven't sent in, then the next minute she'll say that she got those documents, it's THESE documents that's going to screw me. She's EVIL!!!! Even worse, the more upset I or my mother gets, you can tell by the tone of her voice that she is ENJOYING upsetting us. That she gets a kick out of it. GRRRRRRRR!
So anyway, I have that going on on top of all of my various family problems. Remember that game "Don't Spill the Beans" from when we were kids? Well I feel like that final bean has been put on the little plastic pot and my brain has just splattered everywere. I sat in his office and just wept. Poor man didn't know what to do! The more he tried to reassure me the worse I wailed. I'm not really concerned all that much about losing the money, although that would put us beyond poor, it's the medical benefits I need. I NEED my medications. I NEED my doctors to get said medications. And believe me, I NEED therapy! I'd lose all of that. And my meds alone cost thousands a month... more than my partner even makes
So I just cried and cried. It feels like the world is ending. I know that sounds like an over-reaction, but you don't know what my life was like pre-meds!! I told my therapist tonight that I hated to say it, but that I WOULD NOT live that way. I just wouldn't... I'd find a way.
So now because my doctor only sent in five years worth of records and my intake, plus a dictation of their form (which is an option, stated right on the form), the evil wench has decided "that's not enough material and you WILL be denied if he doesn't come up with more" so I have to go to some strange psychiatrist to be evaluated. Ok, no biggie right? Too bad this guy is a real ass. My shrink has reported him to the board three times for his treatment of her patients. He "doesn't belive" in PTSD and will purposely trigger people with that diagnosis, just for kicks I guess. However he has been known to approve people, so I guess that's the silver lining. It took this woman TWO WEEKS to send me an appointment, as they kindly make that for you... no input from you allowed. Miss it = instant denial. I sat here for two weeks freaking out that it got lost in the mail, that she didn't send it, etc. At least that stress is over.
My shrink (what I call my therapist, by the way) said tonight that if I didn't have that appointment she'd hospitalize me. That scared the sh*t outta me! She knows I have a fear of being hospitalized and that's the first time she's uttered those words. She thinks I need a "calm environment" for a bit just to calm my brain down. I cried more at her appointment. She's livid, and my shrink is no shy violet, she's a brass b***h in a good way... you don't want to piss her off! She's calling my case worker tomorrow to find out once and for all what they want so we can provide it and once I'm reapproved (hopefully!) she's going to file one heck of a complaint against her. Go shrink! My shrink is the best
So sorry to ramble like this, but this is eating me alive. I've been through a lot in my life... and I'm not saying that for pity or to brag or anything... and I've always appreciated how strong I was. That none of that horrible stuff never fully "broke" me. I was pretty proud of that. Who knew this is all it would take? Two crazy families, a med change, and a Social Security review. Good lord (sigh). I feel so... weak and helpless. And I don't like that!
So if my posts seem a bit off or don't make much sense for a bit, please have a bit of patience with me. I'm trying to live life as normal despite the fact I want to hide in bed and never come out. I know that isn't the way, so I'm trying.
So sorry for the ramble, but I REALLY needed to get that out!!!
Thanks my beloved cysters! (((((((hugs)))))))))
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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Hang in there. It will all work out. You've got a psychiatrist at bat for you, the government believes in PTSD (they fund lots of centers on it), and you get a set of appeals with different (better) people evaluating things if these people screw you over (assuming what we were taught in public finance economics about DI is still true).
It's great that you are going to a therapist, I know that mine is helping me out and I have a few bumps to get over, but he's helping even though it's a struggle sometimes...
It's good to vent once in in awhile, we don't mind, let it out, it's the best... I'm slowly finding that out myself...
__________________ Me: 35 H: 34
DD: Rachel - Born March 6th, 2007
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Thank you all sooo much! ((((hugs)))) I was such a mess yesterday I just didn't know what else to do. You ladies are truly angels!
Nicole... Thanks for the info See, intellectually I know you are 100% correct, but this case worker frightens me so! I did learn yesterday that SHE does not make the determination, but a committee does. Her job is only to collect the info. Whew! Plus I KNOW I would get it on appeal, if, god forbid, it went that way. I just worry how I'd make do while the system chews it's way through that. It takes at least six months in my experience (sigh). I mean, I have diseases they can SEE and can tell are obviously disabling... you'd think things wouldn't be so hard. Yet I guarantee there are malingerers out there that sail along without a problem! GRRRRR! I hate the system sometimes, but I am grateful that it exists. Plus this psychiatrist I'm seeing for my eval is the one that doesn't believe in PTSD and intentionally triggers people, once he finds out how they have been traumatized. If he does that, and I get triggered I can go seriously NUTSO!! I dissociate (go "out of my head") and have sadly physically hurt people before while in that state. I don't do this on purpose, obviously, as I'm not even really conscious. It's like sleepwalking. I really, really fear what could happen! If you don't hear from me, I'm probably in the hospital
Plus I now officially have a date for said appointment: January 5th. That had been weighing heavily on my brain just not even knowing when it was going to be, or if that woman had messed things up for me!
Catwoman: I'm glad therapy is helping you! (((hugs)))! I'm such a huge believer in therapy I think EVERYONE should have one these days. Life is just so stressfull for most people and therapy can really help! I hope it continues to help you... goodness knows it's made me into a whole new person (in a good way, of course!).
Thank you all so much!!! Really, I don't know what I'd do without my cysters... go crazier I guess. That's what I always did before I found this site! You're the best!
((((((((big hugs))))))))))
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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I have a friend who just got her PhD in psychology (last month, in fact) studying Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder-- the severe form of dissociation). It's some pretty amazing stuff, how the brain adapts when traumatized. Her dissertation was about how high dissociators are better at compartmentalizing many things, not just their personalities. Thus they actually have better memories for non-traumatic items than people who are low dissociators. She was out here for a month last year working at McLean Hospital interviewing patients for her dissertation. So I may not understand understand what you're going through, but I do understand what you're going through because I've proofread most of her work (including extensive literature reviews and several papers on dissociation in general).
__________________ Sandy-29. Single and actually liking it at the moment.
Mommy to a 70 pound lap dog, my big boxer baby Tyson and a 15 year old blind shih tzu.
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2003.
Medications include Lamictal 100 mg, Lexapro 20 mg, and Trazadone 150 mg for Bipolar Disorder. Starting Femcon Sept '08. Gotta get this big ugly PCOS monster back under control!
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Married 7-25-02
PCOS Diagnosed Nov 02'
Bi Polar Diagnosed Feb 08'
Current meds~ Lithium&Celexa
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Catwoman: I'm glad therapy is helping you! (((hugs)))! I'm such a huge believer in therapy I think EVERYONE should have one these days. Life is just so stressfull for most people and therapy can really help! I hope it continues to help you... goodness knows it's made me into a whole new person (in a good way, of course!).
Thank you all so much!!! Really, I don't know what I'd do without my cysters... go crazier I guess. That's what I always did before I found this site! You're the best!
((((((((big hugs))))))))))
Dana
I hope you're feeling better... PM me any time...
Had a session with my therapist tonight and it went well... I was reluctant the very first time I went to see him, I thought therapists were for crazy people, but I don't see it that way... He's getting me through sooo much stuff right now, especially the troubles with TTC (he was once a nurse and has an award for something in pediatrics - or something like that, I can't remember)
__________________ Me: 35 H: 34
DD: Rachel - Born March 6th, 2007
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Thank you so much Daisyangl and *pEaNut*! It really means a lot to me, it really does I've been thinking of you too Daisyangl, and I hope things are feeling better for you (((((hugs)))))
You gals are the best! You really have helped TONS!!!!
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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Had a session with my therapist tonight and it went well... I was reluctant the very first time I went to see him, I thought therapists were for crazy people, but I don't see it that way... He's getting me through sooo much stuff right now, especially the troubles with TTC (he was once a nurse and has an award for something in pediatrics - or something like that, I can't remember)
I'm glad it went well Society really conditions us to believe that therapists, or any sort of mental help at all, is just for serious "nutsos" and that's unfortunate. So many could be helped! There are actually people who sneak in the back door to my shrink's office as they are afraid they might be seen by someone they know It shouldn't be that way!
I'm glad he's helping you with all the stresses and troubles with TTC. That's a perfect example of where a therapist would come in handy for anyone, as that's terribly stressful and brings up a lot of emotions. I hope it keeps going so well for you! He sounds great
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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I have a friend who just got her PhD in psychology (last month, in fact) studying Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder-- the severe form of dissociation). It's some pretty amazing stuff, how the brain adapts when traumatized. Her dissertation was about how high dissociators are better at compartmentalizing many things, not just their personalities. Thus they actually have better memories for non-traumatic items than people who are low dissociators. She was out here for a month last year working at McLean Hospital interviewing patients for her dissertation. So I may not understand understand what you're going through, but I do understand what you're going through because I've proofread most of her work (including extensive literature reviews and several papers on dissociation in general).
Therapy is wonderful!
Oh wow! It's so cool that she studied that, as it gets so little respect in the psychiatric community. Thank her for me if you see her... seriously! It's funny that you mention it, but for all the lack of short term memory my meds give me I have a talent with a near photographic memory for "mundane" things. I usually have to do it on purpose though, it doesn't just happen. My mind is literally like a library as well, or was... I've lost a lot of that thanks to meds. I used to know an amazing amount of detailed material on all sorts of topics (not to sound conceited, I don't mean it that way). I still have bits of it though, as well as my photographic memory... which comes in handy with an Asperger's/ADD partner!
Oh the things we admit on Soulcysters, but in the name of open communication, I qualify for the DID diagnosis. Shrink and I have barely opened that huge can of worms, so it's not officially on my chart yet as she wants to make sure that would have no ramifications for me if I were, say, hospitalized. We figured it out about five years ago though. She would also like to see me further tested.
It's nowhere near as dramatic as the books and movies would have you believe, at least not in my case. I just have different "fragments" as we call them, that handle different functions, hold certain memories, and the like. Some of them can apparently even communicate with each other, something which fascinates me. 99.9% of the time I'm just a "normal" person and you'd never suspect a thing (well, normal bipolar. Ha!). It's only when I get triggered that weird things can happen, or when I take my full dose of my pain medications (apparently opiods have a chemical place in the dissociative process and they tend to make me dissociate).
It took us a long time to figure out what was going on because for years when I would dissociate I would just "go dead" and unresponsive. Or be very violent (as I was angry, yet uncomfortable with that. I guess that "part" filled that void). After a terrible incident once, my abusive ex did say I started babbling in this odd voice that wasn't my own and that he couldn't even understand it. I just wrote him off, as he was a lying sack of, well you know. Only as "they", or whatever they are, began to trust my partner did they begin to show themselves. I've learned so much through what they've told him, as most of my life was just holes and no memories. Well now I know where those memories are! It's odd, when I hear of them I instantly remember, so it isn't like I totally had forgotten, I had just forgotten all the details. The brain is a fascinating thing!
That's probably more about dissociation than you or anyone wanted to know, but as women we sadly go through a lot in our lives. I guarantee that there are tons of women out there who have at least some dissociative problems, and if my talking about mine makes them feel a tiny bit less alone or freakish, well I've done my job Plus I admit I HATE how DID is portrayed in the media... maybe I'm an odd case, but it just isn't like that or that dramatic for me. I've even "switched" right in front of my shrink and the only way she knew was the look in my eyes (they tend to get "dead" looking) and a change in the way I normally sit. That's it! No "Sybil" nonsense here!
Thanks for understanding! Dissociation is one of the hardest things I can explain to people effectively.
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
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(((((BIG HUGS))))))
You are such a lovely person Dana and I hope it all works out for you.
If my meds or therapy was taken away right now well I'd freak out too.
I can't see my SHRINK (i like that word) until Jan 24th, and as a consequence I've just been on 24 hour bender. COMPLETELY off the wagon, wandering the streets alone at night & not remembering what exactly I did, big blank spots. Apparently I was calling people & not making sense. As a result I get an increase in meds again - YAH!!
I believe I freaked out because I felt abandoned & lost because I'm so dependant on the my meds & therapist, so I'd hate to think how your feeling now, and I think its totally understandable that you would feel so stressed.
Dana I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CRIED!!!! Hehehehe. I'm so jealous! I DO know how BIG that is because we've 'discussed' before about the emotions thing.
But remember you are strong, articulate, brave SURVIVOR & we all love you & you have provided so much support to everyone here.
I'm hopin & a prayin it all works out for you with the nasty caseworker.
((((HUGS)))))
You know when *I* cry, things have gotten bad! 
Eva
I've been thinking of you too Daisyangl, and I hope things are feeling better for you (((((hugs)))))
